When I was a little girl, I had this little heart shaped
pillow that said, “I love you” on it. There was nothing special about that
pillow other than the fact that my grandfather had given it to me when I was
very little. It was something tangible that I could hold that always reminded
me that my grandfather loved me. I still have it to this day.
When I was a little girl, I also had a HUGE problem sucking
my middle two fingers. People who grew up with me know this. However,
those of you who I met in college or post-college are probably surprised to
read that. It’s not something that I am exactly proud of, so I don’t mention
it. However, it is part of this story, therefore I had to include it. When I
was tired, I would find something with satin to touch. I only sucked my fingers
if I had something satin to hold. Satin started disappearing from my room one
by one. My baby blanket disappeared one day when my mom was supposed to be
washing it. My blankets with satin edges disappeared. Finally, my little heart
shaped pillow disappeared. It was such a hard habit to break, because my
fingers were attached to my actual body. They went with me everywhere I went.
If I was scared, nervous, bored, tired, or if I just found satin somewhere…anywhere…I
could just stick them in my mouth like an infant. My poor mother tried so many
different things to make it stop. Eventually, I did. I still LOVE the feeling
of satin. I even use satin pillowcases. The only difference is that now I have
broken the habit. I don’t even think about putting my fingers in my mouth
anymore. Usually I forget that I used to do that. In college my parents moved
into their new house, and a lot of my things that disappeared growing up, made
an appearance back into my life. My mom gave me back my yellow baby blanket,
but I don’t need it the way I used to. She also gave me back my little pillow,
which I don’t use the way I used to. Now I just keep it with other things that
are important to me. When I need to remember my grandfather, I will pull it out
of my box, and hang it up on the doorknob. I will hold it occasionally, but I
won’t use it for the satin texture that has basically been destroyed. I don’t
search for comfort in any satin texture or sucking my fingers. I am free of
that habit.
I honestly don’t know why I felt the need to share that
story, but I do know this: As a child, I did not understand why all of my
things were disappearing. I did not understand why my mom wanted me to stop
that habit so badly. I thought it wasn’t a big deal. As a little girl, I had a
different perspective than my parents did. I’m so thankful now that my mother
was so concerned then. I am so thankful now that my mother did not allow me to
continue to find comfort in that way.
Recently, I had my new shiny satin baby blankets yanked from
my fingers. These satin baby blankets were relationships. When I moved to
Raleigh, I was 100% following where God told me He wanted me. He called me to
Raleigh. He called me to the position that I am currently in. There are a lot
of unanswered questions that I just don’t know the answer to, but I am just
holding on to God and trusting where He is leading me. Right now, I’m in
Raleigh. In two years, I may be in another country. I have no idea what God has
in store for my future, but right now I am invested in Raleigh. However, when I
moved here, I fell back on an already existing relationship—a baby blanket if
you will. This baby blanket was shiny and new and everything I thought that I
needed. I thought that I was growing closer to the Lord. I thought that I was
just fine—great even. As you can probably already guess, I was completely
wrong. God snatched that blanket right out of my hands.
You see, I thought I
was being bold in moving to Raleigh.
I told myself that I was, but I kept falling back on that
relationship. I was using it to "build" friendships. I was using it to pass time.
I was using it to soak up everything that I could. The friendships that I made
because of this relationship, I am so thankful for. However, I know that I
never fully invested in them until that blanket was snatched from my grasp. I
was crushed. For about two weeks, it was easy for satan to creep in and start
whispering destructive lies to me. He would say that I wasn’t good enough. Nobody likes me here. God isn’t
being fair. He moved me all the way over here, and then took the one thing I thought was really going to finally work out away. I'm not pretty enough--mature enough-- serious enough. It was easy to go down that
route, but I didn’t. I spent those two weeks on my knees asking God where He wanted me to go from there. I spent those two weeks asking God what He was doing, asking Him what the big picture was. I still don't know what the big picture is, and I probably never will...but I do know this:
“Only God can be both the builder and the wrecking ball…..”
He wrecked what was not of Him. He wrecked something that
could have quickly become sinful, destructive, and even more painful than it
already was. He wrecked something that could have become toxic. He wrecked my
expectations, my selfishness, and my hopes in the here and now. He wrecked me. He
saw the big picture. When I got to Raleigh, I needed to be free of this safety
blanket. Not because the person was toxic, but because I started to exploit the
relationship I had with them out of fear. I was afraid that people here wouldn’t like
me. I was afraid of so many different things. I lost sight of the big picture. I forgot
that God is sovereign. I forgot that God called me here for a purpose and that
means that I needed to trust Him. I forgot that trusting God meant trusting Him
with my relationships.
I forgot.
I forgot, because in reality, sometimes I make
myself god of my life and I decrease God into this little advisory position. My
expectations were not what they should have been. My expectations were all
about me. My expectations were about my future and how my life was going to
look….me, me, me, ME. I mean, yeah, I was obedient in moving to Raleigh…but was
I actually stepping out on faith and ready to fall flat on my face if God
didn’t come through for me? No.
“You never know Jesus is all you need until He is all you
have.”
This quote is precious to me. There have been so many dark
days that this quote has helped me through over the years, and it is still so true. Jesus is all
that I need. Having that relationship change forced me to be more intentional
with others that I met in Raleigh. It forced me to realize that I had taken
this incredible community that I have become a part of for granted. It made me
realize that I wasn’t letting the family that I lived with get to know me. I
wasn’t loving people as deeply as I could. I wasn’t growing closer to the Lord
like I thought I was. I wasn’t invested in Him.
Over the last month, I have surrendered all of my
expectations, my hopes and my dreams to God, because He can see the big
picture. He can see why that baby blanket was hindering me from growing. Maybe
one day He will return that baby blanket to me. Maybe when He does return it to
me, I will look at it differently. Maybe He won’t return it at all. Who knows? Not me.
God is doing something incredible in my heart right now. It
feels like utter chaos, but in that chaos there is a strange peace. I know that
He is about to do something unbelievable in my life and I don’t know what it is
going to be, but I know that He is preparing me for something huge. He is
placing Godly women in my life left and right! He is building an army in
Raleigh and I can’t wait to see what He does with it. There are incredible
women that God has placed in my life that I can invest in and not take for
granted. Women like Leslie Washburn, who loves people better than I ever could.
I have learned so much about how to love people from her. He has placed women
like Jolean Brann in my life, who is so wise, yet so vulnerable with her
struggles—Lizzie Sanderlin, who loves Jesus and loves people and will tell
anyone anywhere how much she loves Jesus—Melanie Parker, who is willing to quit
her jobs at Duke Children’s and UNC Hospital to move to West Africa for a year,
because she knows that is where God has called her to go-- Ashley Keen, my roommate, who is generous, and basically has built my furniture for me. These are just SOME
of the women that God has placed in my life. Can you imagine how dumb I feel
for not investing in these women more when I first moved here instead of
holding on to that baby blanket!? I mean, if I hadn’t of needed my blanket as
much as I thought I did, then maybe I would still have it. But that is not the
point. The point is that I am learning. I am growing. My heart is filled with
joy that I just can’t explain anymore. My days are spent talking with Jesus,
not suggesting things to Jesus. My days are spent asking others how I can love
them better, or be praying for them, and then actually following through. My
days are spent resting in Him.
Three months ago, if you had told me that everything I
expected to happen was going to be taken away, I would have told you that you were wrong.
If you had told me that I would have this many new friends to live life with, I
would have laughed. Because three months ago, I had two friends…and I thought that
was all I needed. I was so wrong! I am fired up to do life with this community
of believers here in Raleigh. I am fired up to see what God is getting ready to
do here, and I am pumped to see what He is preparing me for!
