Walking In Obedience

I remember when I was a child; I was basically the opposite of obedient. I always wanted to have the last word. I always had questions. I always wanted to know why.  I probably drove my poor mother up the wall making her think to herself, “why can’t you just be obedient and trust me. I know what is going to be more beneficial for you in the long run…” Sometimes I feel like God has to be thinking the same thing about me. Because (full disclosure) I didn’t grow out of always wanting to have the last word, and I haven’t outgrown my need for answers to the questions that plague my mind throughout the day. Hey, He’s not finished with me yet, you know? There is still a lot of room for growth in my life. Here I am blessed beyond measure and I keep asking myself these stupid questions….

Why am I teaching instead of working as a Child Life Specialist?

Will I get to become a CCLS?

When?

What am I here for?

Why this city?

Why this community?

Why have I still not gotten a practicum?

Why hasn’t any of my hard work paid off?

When?

How?

Why?

Why, why, why, why, why?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking these questions because I am unhappy. To be quite honest, I am stupid happy in the city that I currently reside. I have plugged into a wonderful church family, a great small group, and I’m growing in my faith every single day. I’m asking these questions, because there is so much uncertainty in my life, and these are the questions that my friends and my family keep asking me. You see, I love my current home. I mean…was it crazy to pack up my things and move from San Marcos, TX to Raleigh, NC for a job with no other plans? Yes, it was completely crazy. However, I love my new job. I love working with these children every day. They teach me more than I am teaching them, and I love seeing the light bulb go off when they finally understand different concepts. Like…why 9x3=27 is the same as 9+9+9=27 and 18+9=27. No, I do not want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. Yes, I do still want to become a CCLS. Yes, this may seem like the complete opposite direction that I should be going if my end goal is to become a CCLS. Why am I doing it then?

Well, because I am walking in obedience. God keeps calling me, and I keep following Him. I go where He leads (which is easy since I have a bit of a gypsy soul, anyways). I have been called to listen in obedience and to walk with humility. No, my road to Child Life doesn’t look like any other Certified Child Life Specialist that I have met, but I am confident that if I continue to walk in obedience with the Lord, He will continue to provide. He will continue to reveal his grace and glory to me. My life is not about knowing the answers to all of the questions that everyone keeps asking. My life isn’t about knowing how to answer my own questions. My life is about walking in obedience. So, here I am in a brand new city; in a brand new state; with brand new friends; and a brand new job. I don’t know about you, but I cannot wait to see what God has planned for me in this season of my life. Who knows? Maybe by this time next year I will be in a completely new state finally working as a practicum student in a Child Life department. Maybe I won’t. This time (rather than rushing to the end of the journey or wishing that I was already to the end point) I am just going to enjoy the ride. I’m going to take the time to really allow Him to prepare me for those next steps that I may take rather than just do things on my own and see how they work out…because that never works out. Let’s see what the Lord does with a life that has been fully surrendered to Him. I know that it is going to be a beautiful and difficult ride, but His hands hold my today and my tomorrow. This is not going to be easy. Some days this might just be absolutely hard and devastating, but I know that whatever He is doing is preparing me for the future that only He can see. So, buckle up sweet friends…this is about to get interesting.

The Heart of the Problem

I have a heart issue.

I have allowed my heart to be plagued by petty things lately. I have allowed bitterness, pride, envy, expectations, and so many other things to creep into my heart and affect my daily life. I am usually an optimist, but lately I have been a pessimist. I have looked to other peoples’ picture perfect looking lives in envy, because mine doesn’t look like that. I have basically been my own thief of joy. I have become hardened by circumstances that I should have learned from and allowed myself to be softened over. I have allowed expectations that could never happen to invade my mind leaving me utterly disappointed when what I had imagined did not come to fruition. How hard is it to just be still and rest in the Lord? Why can I never just enjoy the life that I have been given? Logically, I know that the Lord knows what He is doing in my life. I know that I just need to trust Him and surrender my life to Him, because what He has planned for my life is greater than I could ever ask for or imagine. So why is it that I continually find my wandering heart in disbelief? I have a heart issue, you see. I keep finding myself believing that I need to fix things on my own and I need to try harder to be nice, to care more about others, to be more serious, to joke less, to do this and that...and to even change this or that about myself…but what I really need to do is lean on the Lord and rest in Him. I am not going to be able to fix everything about my personality that may seem a bit callous on my own, and I am not called to fix myself. Perfection is my own enemy. Let’s be honest, trying to “fix” myself on my own is pretty much ridiculous anyways! I can’t fix my own heart issues. Trying to fix my own heart leads to a legalistic view of God, and having a legalistic view of the Lord, robs Him of His grace. There is no room for grace in a life view based on doing all of the right things or acting just the right way, and saying all of the right things. The truth is His grace really is enough. I need to rest in Him and allow the arms of grace to surround me. Even when I'm wrong, even when I'm just...ugly, His grace really is enough to change my heart problem. I cannot do that on my own, only He can change a heart issue. His patience, His mercy, His love is enough to bring me to my knees and cry out to Him for forgiveness and rest and joy. I am so thankful for a Father that is faithful and good. I am so thankful that He has new mercies for me every day. I am so incredibly thankful that my story doesn't end with defeat. I am so thankful for the cross. I am so thankful for a God that has already won the battle, but still has great plans for my life. I just need to let go and rest in His unfailing grace.