Defense mechanisms. All animals
have them. Some animals camouflage themselves so that they are hard to see.
Some animals make themselves look bigger than they are in reality. Some hide
within their shells, some hide in the ground and still others move around in
larger groups. These mechanisms for defense are in their very nature. These
mechanisms keep them from going exstinct. They are protective.
We also
have defense mechanisms, and I have become a professional at pin pointing other
individual’s protective shields, because I also tend to be bent toward leading
a defensive life. There are the chameleons. These people sometimes are not sure
of whom they are without other people to influence them. They change depending
on what group of people they are around. You think you know a chameleon pretty
well, until you see them interacting in a new environment and you realize that
you don’t know them as well as you thought. There are the puffer fish. You
know, the ones who make themselves seem so great, but in reality they are
terrified that if they let someone get too close to them, they will see that
they are not what they seem… so when people start getting too close, they puff
up and keep you at a safe distance away. There are the turtles. These are the
friends that you have that can be in a situation that they feel uncomfortable
in and they will make themselves look very small or invisible. They move really
slowly in relationships and it is very hard to gain their trust. Getting to
know them is harder than running a marathon without training properly. There
are many other ways that people protect themselves, but I will stop there,
because I think the point has been made.
Depending on the day, I can be any
number of these, but if I’m being really honest, I think that I am a puffer
fish.
I laugh
when I feel uncomfortable. I am loud. I am gregarious. I am eager to meet new
people. I am sarcastic and opinionated. I try to make myself look like I have
it all together, but in reality I am falling apart in desperate need of grace. I
feed off of the energy I get from other people. I don’t seem to mind if people
are laughing with me, but deep down I feel uncomfortable and unsure of myself.
Thus, I make jokes at my own expense, because if I am laughing with you, you cannot be laughing at me. I don’t mind if they are all
looking at me, unless I am on a stage… then I would rather just run away. I
have a lot of friends, but not many people know who I am to my core. I seldom let
people get close enough to to hurt me, because once I let that guard down…it is
so incredibly easy to hurt me. The extreme feeler in me is so easily broken. I
keep people a safe arm’s length away from me.
I am a puffer fish.
The
strangest part about being a puffer fish is that while I do this to protect
myself, it just brings up all the more insecurities that I battle. These
insecurities drive me to do a lot of the things that I act on whether I care to
admit it or not. These insecurities are a paradox that does not seem to go
together, but the battle inside of my heart between the two is ever present
every day.
Ladies, you
may know what I am talking about: the tug of war between believing that you are
never enough, all the while believing that you are too much. In my mind, I
constantly worry that I am not pretty enough, mature enough, quiet enough, meek
enough, holy enough, skinny enough, smart enough, graceful enough, forgiving
enough, not enough like *insert name here*, etc…but then I constantly worry
that I am too loud, too opinionated, too silly, too fat, too hypocritical, too forgiving,
etc. I am constantly too little and too much. The worst part about the teeter
tottering between these two thought processes is that they are self-centered and self-loathing. Their focus is on me. They also imply that I can fix
it myself. I can make myself holier. I can make myself skinnier, prettier,
quieter, more forgiving. I can fix myself. It perpetuates that thought process
that if I make myself prettier, then people will like me more. If I make myself
holier, people will respect me more. …I can make myself less opinionated and
less sarcastic. I can fix myself. I trick myself into believing that I do not
need anyone or anything, because I can fix these things about myself and while
I do that I can mask my insecurities with jokes and laughter… In other words, I
do not need anyone else…except for his or her approval.
This is such a dangerous thought
process that makes me reek of death. I can smell the sin all over me every
single time I follow this thought. Please hear me when I tell you this: We are
not the sum of these thoughts. They are from an enemy that wants nothing other
than to destroy us. The stench of death will surround us as we follow this
thought train right to destruction. You, my precious friend, are a child of the
King. I am a child of the King. You, like myself, have received much grace. The
reality is that we cannot fix ourselves…and we will never be enough without the
gospel.
Without
Jesus conquering death, we are not enough. We are wicked to our core. Did you
know that puffer fish are more toxic to humans than cyanide? I, as a puffer
fish, am toxic and not worth anything apart from the gospel. I, as a puffer
fish, have a huge personality that seems so shallow on the surface, because I
am terrified that if I let others see the real me, that they won’t like what
they see…. well….guess what? We have an audience of one. If you let someone get
to know you, and they don’t like what they see, then that says more about them
than it does about you. Yes, I know how hard it is to surrender these thoughts.
I know that it means that you have to continue to surrender these thoughts
every minute of every day. I know that it is counter cultural to not be driven
by thoughts like these. I know that it is hard to stop trying to fix yourself,
but it is the most liberating thing that you can ever do. When you surrender
your thought life, it opens your mind up to embrace others. Rather than
comparing your flaws to someone else’s flaws, you will be busy loving the
person. It allows you to finally experience grace fully.
I will not
speak for you, but I will speak for myself here…I really need to stop trying so
hard to please other people. I need to stop worrying about whether my
personality is too much or “too immature” to someone who really has the same
insecurities that I have. I mean…it is so exhausting trying to fit into the box
that everyone tries to fit themselves and others into. Find rest in the arms of
the Lord.
Stop worrying about whether you are not enough or too much
and get busy loving other people where they are. I struggle with keeping people
at an arm length away from me, but I’m going to tell you something about that:
the reality is that arm’s distance is a safe, but very lonely place. Don’t
spend your life lonely and scared. Stop living a defensive life.
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Just stop worrying.
Please, fellow friends, listen to me: You are always enough and never,
ever too much.