7 to 1

There are a few things that I want to talk about regarding this season of singleness that I have found myself in. Now, I will start with this disclaimer: I am not ecstatic to be in this season. This is not ideal, and I am not exactly pleased with being single; however, I have found myself growing strangely okay with my day-to-day life. There are many things that I have learned throughout this season, and things that I continue to learn every day.

During this season I have learned to be fully dependent on the Lord and His will for my life. I have had to completely surrender the desire to be a wife every single morning, afternoon, and evening. I have started my day by surrendering my thought life including my professional desires and personal desires.  It is not easy to fully surrender something that you really desire, but it is the most freeing thing I have ever done. On the surface, you’d think it’d be harder and less freeing to not be in control of your life, but in reality, when I quit trying to calculate and manipulate everything in my life and finally let God take control, I found myself feeling unrestricted and energized. I was no longer exhausted all of the time. Y’all…it is so exhausting to try to be in control of your life. Seriously.

It is still a struggle though, because I am so bent towards the desire to be in control and I have to continue to surrender my thoughts all day, every day. I tend to want to try to manipulate things to work out for my benefit now, rather than trust that God is working things for my good and His glory in His timing. This means that surrender starts every single morning when my alarm clock goes off, and continues until I set the alarm for the next morning and go to sleep. Surrender happens every moment of every day. When the thoughts creep in, as they so often do, I have to stop and pray. The enemy feeds off of minds that are not constantly surrendered to the Lord. When you stop and release everything to Him, the battle is no longer yours. Isn’t that liberating? The enemy will tremble every time the battle is no longer in your hands. That is why he tries to make you want to control every aspect of your life.

            In surrendering my personal desire to be a wife, I learned that I am called to live this out joyfully. I do not know when my season of singleness will come to an end. I do not know if it will come to an end at all, but I am called to walk this road and I am called to do that well. Right now, there are many things that I can be doing with my singleness. I can invest in my friendships in a way that I will no longer be able to when I am married. I could spend my time being worried about where the Lord is taking me, or I can spend my time being intentional with the relationships that I am forming.

I think the hardest pill to swallow was finally realizing that right now I can bring Him the most glory by being a single woman in the church. I can bring Him the most glory by serving and loving the individuals that I encounter with a joyful heart. That was difficult, because so often we tend to think that only married couples can bring something to the table. My marital status does not dictate my worth to the Lord, and praise Him for that!!

            I have also learned that “singleness” is not my identity. My identity is not rooted in this season of life. The first thing that probably comes to mind when others look at me probably has nothing to do with my romantic life, so I am unsure why I put so much pressure on myself to “grow up and get married so that others will respect me and not judge me for still being single”.  Honestly, not a single person has ever told me that they couldn’t respect me because I am unmarried, so I have no idea how that idea got into my head. Satan is an enemy, friends. He preys on our deepest fears. The deepest fear in my heart for so long was that I would never get to be a wife. My deepest fear was that I would not get to make that part of my identity; therefore, my singleness in my mind was my identity. This is false and leads to destruction, sweet friends. My identity has never been, nor will it ever be in whether or not I am married. My identity is firmly rooted in the Lord. I am a beloved daughter of the King…that is my identity. This season is not my identity, and it is not yours either. Do not give this season of life that kind of power over you. Trust me.

It’s not me. No, really. Y’all this was the one of the hardest aspects of singleness for me to understand. The female heart tends to be bent towards comparison. It certainly does not help that society provides the image of the perfect woman, and we all have friends that we believe fit into that category. Society and even our friends at church throw images at us all day about what perfection looks like. The perfect woman is skinny, and sweet. She has a great smile, and has a strong walk with the Lord. She is not loud and opinionated. She serves others without complaint. She is gorgeous without make up, but looks great in a dress. She has no flaws ever. She has no blemishes and is an angel. I’ll tell you a secret though: the friends that we believe fit into this image feel just as insecure as we do. So we are all busy comparing ourselves to an impossible standard. We are also comparing ourselves to other people who have just as many flaws as we do, whether we can see them or not. The comparison games will lead to destruction every single time. It opens your heart to jealousy, bitterness, and even more insecurities. It is not you. You are not single, because you aren’t the perfect woman. Perfection is our enemy. We never will be perfect. We are sinners saved by grace. You are not single, because you are not good enough. You are not single, because you are too much. I know those thoughts all too well—the “I’m not pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, Godly enough, but I am too loud, too opinionated, too immature, and just too much in general” thought process. This thought process makes us feel undateable and unlovable. It is so unhealthy, y’all. These insecurities are not the sum of who you are. They are not the sum of why you are single. It is not us. We are not single, because we are undateable.     We are single, because we are meant to be single right now. I am single, because I am supposed to spend this time joyfully seeking the Lord.

Actually, I heard a really disheartening statistic about singleness at the church that I am a member of. In my 10,000-member multi-location church in Raleigh, North Carolina, the ratio of single women to single men is 7 to 1. 7 to 1... For every single boy in the church there are 7 solid single women. I will not lie to you, friends, my initial thought upon hearing this statistic was bent more toward the rage side of anger. I was so furious as I stood there thinking of all of the incredible Godly women that I am friends with in Raleigh that are just as single as I am. I was so furious, because NO WONDER WE KEEP COMPARING OURSELVES TO ONE ANOTHER!!! “I’m not as pretty as her, so that ONE single guy that there is obviously likes her and would never go for someone like me….” Wow. What a wicked and ugly thought! I honestly wish I didn’t know about the statistic, because I cannot get it out of my head. Then my fury turned into frustration. After yelling it out with my friends, I realized that my frustration was more centered on the fact that most (not all) of the single men that I’ve encountered are complacent. They are mostly okay with being boys who can shave rather than men of God that are willing to love and serve women like Christ loved and served the church.  I think I was also mad, because some of them have even had the audacity to label me undateable...I’m the undateable one? Dude. We’re both single. If I’m undateable, then maybe you are too. (See, I’m still mad about the statistic… It’s so annoying to continue to battle the undateable thoughts.) I just talked about how none of us are undateable and then I turn around and think, but IF I am, then you are, too! Isn’t that ridiculous? Anyways, so the statistic is 7 to 1: so what? 

I think the most problematic part about the singleness battle is that I (and our society as a whole) view this season as a problem. I sometimes view marriage as a destination and singleness as a problematic road to the ultimate fulfilling destination. I sometimes view marriage as this ultimate fulfillment of life, and that I will be incomplete until I am married… Singleness is actually a blessing. Because I am single, I am able to pour into middle school girls in a way that I wouldn’t be able to if I was married. I am able to drop anything at the drop of a hat to help a friend in need. I also have this incredible chance to invest in other single women that have the same frustrations that I have. No, I can’t do a couples ministry right now. No, I can’t do many of the things that married couples can, but I can find my own ministry. I was not created to merely be someone’s wife and mother. I was created to bring glory to the Lord. I was created to make disciples. I was created to love and serve others like Christ loved and served the church.

Single women please hear me: you do not have to be married for the Lord to use you. You do not have to be married to have a ministry. Do not think that waiting around for a boy to buy you a plate of spaghetti is what you are supposed to be doing. Please do not buy into the lie that you can only have a ministry when you’re married. Find your ministry now! Have a ministry now! Leverage your singleness to raise up disciples! Volunteer with children and teach them how to fear the Lord. Volunteer with youth and teach them how to love themselves and love others. Teach them how to love the Lord and teach them what it means to follow Him. Volunteer with college students and disciple them. Be vulnerable with them about the struggles you lived through in college and let them know that if they ever get tired of Ramen, you make a mean taco. Find a ministry that speaks to you and throw yourself into it. I chose to throw myself into the student ministry. It is not easy to answer a 7^th grader’s questions about why I am “still” single, but it is very humbling. It is not easy to answer their questions about loving others and loving themselves. It is not easy to foster healthy friendships at this age, but I am growing more than I ever have right now. I found a ministry, and honestly, I am too busy trying to raise up a generation of middle school students that will follow the Lord to the ends of the earth… I am too busy pouring myself into these girls to be concerned with whether or not some boy thinks I’m cute enough to buy me a slice of pizza. I am too busy to be concerned with my dating life, and you should be too.

I get it, though. I really do. Wanting to be married is still very much a desire that I have. Marriage is a good thing, but it is not an ultimate thing. It is not something that will complete you. You are already complete if you have been reborn in Christ. Your value is not diminished, because you are still single. You are not unlovable. You are not undateable. You are just looking at this opportunity the wrong way. You just need to take a step back and reframe your thought patterns. You are looking at the opportunity to walk out the season of singleness with the Lord as a problem that needs to be fixed. This season was never meant to be a problem. It is not a punishment. It is an opportunity to grow. I know that being single is lonely. I know you’ve been to more weddings than you want to count, and you sit there wondering when you will have your own. I know that being single is frustrating and lonely and disheartening, BUT this season is such a bittersweet time. Your loneliness now is better than loneliness in a Godless marriage.

 “Your loneliness now is monumentally better than your loneliness with a man in the house who has no intention of loving and serving you like Christ loved and served the church, no intention of pouring himself out for you and the lives and souls of your children. Jesus is enough. Trust Him when He says that…” –Matt Chandler

Let's chat

Okay friends, we really need to talk.

This is something that has been on my heart for a while now, and I really feel like this needs to be said. Someone finally said these words to me, and now I am going to say them to you. Are you ready for this? It’s going to blow your mind…

It is okay to NOT be okay!

Did you see that? Let me say it again: it is okay to not be okay. I know; it’s crazy. It blows my mind, too.

You do not have to have perfect composure all of the time. You do not need to have all of the answers all of the time. It is okay to fall apart. It is okay to be frustrated with circumstances. It is okay to be heartbroken, or angry, or annoyed. It is expected. You are human.

It is expected for you to have a meltdown if your worst fear is unfolding right before your very eyes.

It is NORMAL to want to cry, because you’re overwhelmed.

It is okay if you want to be angry and raise your voice and tone with someone who hurt you.

Yes, watch your words and guard your heart. And yes trust that the Lord knows exactly what He is doing…because He always does…but PLEASE do not continue to pretend like you are perfectly fine when you are not. It is not doing anyone any favors.

Think about it this way. We are called to carry one another’s burdens, but how can YOU carry someone else’s burdens if you are bogged down in your own? You were never meant to carry your burdens alone. That was never the design, but how can your community carry burdens that they do not know exist?  They cannot. So, instead of trying to pretend like you aren’t human and faking smiles, take a moment to allow yourself to admit that you need someone to lift you up! When we start allowing others to carry our burdens WITH us, I think we will be surprised by how much easier it is for US to carry someone else’s burdens WITH them.

I’m saying this to myself just as much as I am saying it to you, I promise. I am so quick to try to carry someone else’s burdens, but I have had the hardest time allowing other people to come along side me and carry mine with me. That is unhealthy and it needs to stop.

Not only is it unhealthy, but I really think that if we are honest about our burdens, more people would be drawn to the gospel. They would see that we are all broken sinners saved by grace and that no one is too far from the love of the Lord. I mean, I know that I don’t have all of the answers, but I genuinely believe that pretending to be people that are superhuman christians isn’t helping anyone….

Please just hear me. It is okay to not be okay. It's okay. 

So, you lost your job…

It’s okay to not be okay!

You hate your job…

It’s okay to not be okay!

You were cheated on…

It’s okay to not be okay!

You keep watching doors get shut in your face that you desperately want to be open...

It is okay to not be okay!

Your watching a family member die a slow and painful death

IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY!

I cannot say that enough. So, in closing, I leave you with the freedom to not be okay.

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Y’all. God is so good, merciful, loving, sovereign, forgiving and faithful. I’ve noticed that in my own life, I only notice God’s faithfulness when something good happens for me. You know, when my prayers are answered, when my job is going well, when my family is getting along, when Auburn wins football games (LOL…….no, but really….sometimes I downgrade Him to that. That’s another struggle for another day), I think I just completely overlook the fact that He is faithful every single day. He is faithful on the rainy days, on the days that everything goes wrong, on the hard days, and even on the impossible days. He is faithful on the lazy days, and He is faithful on the sunny days. He is always sovereign. He is always merciful. He is always faithful.

On those days when I ask myself what He is doing with my life, He is faithful. On those days when I am filled with grief, and pain from the finality of death, He is faithful. In fact, those days when I feel like the walls are crashing down on me, and I just can’t take one more step, or one more day, those are the days when He is the most faithful. Those are the days when He gives me enough strength to keep going one more step and one more day. On those days when it hurts to breathe, and I don’t want to get out of bed, He gives me just enough energy to take another breath and continue to breathe and even get out of bed. On those rainy days, and on those days when I am feeling extra sassy, He is faithful and gives me more than enough grace to completely turn me around. When I am feeling lonely, He is faithful and sovereign in providing me with Godly friendships, but He is also faithful in reminding me that I am never alone. When I am restless and exhausted, God is faithful to provide rest. God is so faithful, and I am so in love with Him! I am blown away by His faithfulness every day. He is faithful when I am not. He is faithful when I don’t deserve it. He is faithful to extend grace when I deserve condemnation.

Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me!

He is faithful in everything. He is faithful in the big things. He is faithful in the little things. He is faithful in the wonderful things. He is faithful in the painful things. He is so faithful, and I am so thankful to serve a God who is always faithful, and His faithfulness is not dependent on whether or not I deserve it…because quite frankly, I don’t ever deserve His grace. I never deserve any of it, but that’s the thing about grace…grace is freely given and never earned. I don’t really know about you, but I sure am glad that grace isn’t earned!!! 

Bye, Bye Baby Blanket!

When I was a little girl, I had this little heart shaped pillow that said, “I love you” on it. There was nothing special about that pillow other than the fact that my grandfather had given it to me when I was very little. It was something tangible that I could hold that always reminded me that my grandfather loved me. I still have it to this day.

When I was a little girl, I also had a HUGE problem sucking my middle two fingers. People who grew up with me know this. However, those of you who I met in college or post-college are probably surprised to read that. It’s not something that I am exactly proud of, so I don’t mention it. However, it is part of this story, therefore I had to include it. When I was tired, I would find something with satin to touch. I only sucked my fingers if I had something satin to hold. Satin started disappearing from my room one by one. My baby blanket disappeared one day when my mom was supposed to be washing it. My blankets with satin edges disappeared. Finally, my little heart shaped pillow disappeared. It was such a hard habit to break, because my fingers were attached to my actual body. They went with me everywhere I went. If I was scared, nervous, bored, tired, or if I just found satin somewhere…anywhere…I could just stick them in my mouth like an infant. My poor mother tried so many different things to make it stop. Eventually, I did. I still LOVE the feeling of satin. I even use satin pillowcases. The only difference is that now I have broken the habit. I don’t even think about putting my fingers in my mouth anymore. Usually I forget that I used to do that. In college my parents moved into their new house, and a lot of my things that disappeared growing up, made an appearance back into my life. My mom gave me back my yellow baby blanket, but I don’t need it the way I used to. She also gave me back my little pillow, which I don’t use the way I used to. Now I just keep it with other things that are important to me. When I need to remember my grandfather, I will pull it out of my box, and hang it up on the doorknob. I will hold it occasionally, but I won’t use it for the satin texture that has basically been destroyed. I don’t search for comfort in any satin texture or sucking my fingers. I am free of that habit.

I honestly don’t know why I felt the need to share that story, but I do know this: As a child, I did not understand why all of my things were disappearing. I did not understand why my mom wanted me to stop that habit so badly. I thought it wasn’t a big deal. As a little girl, I had a different perspective than my parents did. I’m so thankful now that my mother was so concerned then. I am so thankful now that my mother did not allow me to continue to find comfort in that way.

Recently, I had my new shiny satin baby blankets yanked from my fingers. These satin baby blankets were relationships. When I moved to Raleigh, I was 100% following where God told me He wanted me. He called me to Raleigh. He called me to the position that I am currently in. There are a lot of unanswered questions that I just don’t know the answer to, but I am just holding on to God and trusting where He is leading me. Right now, I’m in Raleigh. In two years, I may be in another country. I have no idea what God has in store for my future, but right now I am invested in Raleigh. However, when I moved here, I fell back on an already existing relationship—a baby blanket if you will. This baby blanket was shiny and new and everything I thought that I needed. I thought that I was growing closer to the Lord. I thought that I was just fine—great even. As you can probably already guess, I was completely wrong. God snatched that blanket right out of my hands. 

You see, I thought I was being bold in moving to Raleigh.

I told myself that I was, but I kept falling back on that relationship. I was using it to "build" friendships. I was using it to pass time. I was using it to soak up everything that I could. The friendships that I made because of this relationship, I am so thankful for. However, I know that I never fully invested in them until that blanket was snatched from my grasp. I was crushed. For about two weeks, it was easy for satan to creep in and start whispering destructive lies to me. He would say that I wasn’t good enough. Nobody likes me here. God isn’t being fair. He moved me all the way over here, and then took the one thing I thought was really going to finally work out away. I'm not pretty enough--mature enough-- serious enough. It was easy to go down that route, but I didn’t. I spent those two weeks on my knees asking God where He wanted me to go from there. I spent those two weeks asking God what He was doing, asking Him what the big picture was. I still don't know what the big picture is, and I probably never will...but I do know this:

“Only God can be both the builder and the wrecking ball…..”

He wrecked what was not of Him. He wrecked something that could have quickly become sinful, destructive, and even more painful than it already was. He wrecked something that could have become toxic. He wrecked my expectations, my selfishness, and my hopes in the here and now. He wrecked me. He saw the big picture. When I got to Raleigh, I needed to be free of this safety blanket. Not because the person was toxic, but because I started to exploit the relationship I had with them out of fear.  I was afraid that people here wouldn’t like me. I was afraid of so many different things. I lost sight of the big picture. I forgot that God is sovereign. I forgot that God called me here for a purpose and that means that I needed to trust Him. I forgot that trusting God meant trusting Him with my relationships. 

I forgot. 

I forgot, because in reality, sometimes I make myself god of my life and I decrease God into this little advisory position. My expectations were not what they should have been. My expectations were all about me. My expectations were about my future and how my life was going to look….me, me, me, ME. I mean, yeah, I was obedient in moving to Raleigh…but was I actually stepping out on faith and ready to fall flat on my face if God didn’t come through for me? No.

“You never know Jesus is all you need until He is all you have.”

This quote is precious to me. There have been so many dark days that this quote has helped me through over the years, and it is still so true. Jesus is all that I need. Having that relationship change forced me to be more intentional with others that I met in Raleigh. It forced me to realize that I had taken this incredible community that I have become a part of for granted. It made me realize that I wasn’t letting the family that I lived with get to know me. I wasn’t loving people as deeply as I could. I wasn’t growing closer to the Lord like I thought I was. I wasn’t invested in Him.

Over the last month, I have surrendered all of my expectations, my hopes and my dreams to God, because He can see the big picture. He can see why that baby blanket was hindering me from growing. Maybe one day He will return that baby blanket to me. Maybe when He does return it to me, I will look at it differently. Maybe He won’t return it at all. Who knows? Not me. 

God is doing something incredible in my heart right now. It feels like utter chaos, but in that chaos there is a strange peace. I know that He is about to do something unbelievable in my life and I don’t know what it is going to be, but I know that He is preparing me for something huge. He is placing Godly women in my life left and right! He is building an army in Raleigh and I can’t wait to see what He does with it. There are incredible women that God has placed in my life that I can invest in and not take for granted. Women like Leslie Washburn, who loves people better than I ever could. I have learned so much about how to love people from her. He has placed women like Jolean Brann in my life, who is so wise, yet so vulnerable with her struggles—Lizzie Sanderlin, who loves Jesus and loves people and will tell anyone anywhere how much she loves Jesus—Melanie Parker, who is willing to quit her jobs at Duke Children’s and UNC Hospital to move to West Africa for a year, because she knows that is where God has called her to go-- Ashley Keen, my roommate, who is generous, and basically has built my furniture for me. These are just SOME of the women that God has placed in my life. Can you imagine how dumb I feel for not investing in these women more when I first moved here instead of holding on to that baby blanket!? I mean, if I hadn’t of needed my blanket as much as I thought I did, then maybe I would still have it. But that is not the point. The point is that I am learning. I am growing. My heart is filled with joy that I just can’t explain anymore. My days are spent talking with Jesus, not suggesting things to Jesus. My days are spent asking others how I can love them better, or be praying for them, and then actually following through. My days are spent resting in Him.

Three months ago, if you had told me that everything I expected to happen was going to be taken away, I would have told you that you were wrong. If you had told me that I would have this many new friends to live life with, I would have laughed. Because three months ago, I had two friends…and I thought that was all I needed. I was so wrong! I am fired up to do life with this community of believers here in Raleigh. I am fired up to see what God is getting ready to do here, and I am pumped to see what He is preparing me for!