The Heart of the Problem

I have a heart issue.

I have allowed my heart to be plagued by petty things lately. I have allowed bitterness, pride, envy, expectations, and so many other things to creep into my heart and affect my daily life. I am usually an optimist, but lately I have been a pessimist. I have looked to other peoples’ picture perfect looking lives in envy, because mine doesn’t look like that. I have basically been my own thief of joy. I have become hardened by circumstances that I should have learned from and allowed myself to be softened over. I have allowed expectations that could never happen to invade my mind leaving me utterly disappointed when what I had imagined did not come to fruition. How hard is it to just be still and rest in the Lord? Why can I never just enjoy the life that I have been given? Logically, I know that the Lord knows what He is doing in my life. I know that I just need to trust Him and surrender my life to Him, because what He has planned for my life is greater than I could ever ask for or imagine. So why is it that I continually find my wandering heart in disbelief? I have a heart issue, you see. I keep finding myself believing that I need to fix things on my own and I need to try harder to be nice, to care more about others, to be more serious, to joke less, to do this and that...and to even change this or that about myself…but what I really need to do is lean on the Lord and rest in Him. I am not going to be able to fix everything about my personality that may seem a bit callous on my own, and I am not called to fix myself. Perfection is my own enemy. Let’s be honest, trying to “fix” myself on my own is pretty much ridiculous anyways! I can’t fix my own heart issues. Trying to fix my own heart leads to a legalistic view of God, and having a legalistic view of the Lord, robs Him of His grace. There is no room for grace in a life view based on doing all of the right things or acting just the right way, and saying all of the right things. The truth is His grace really is enough. I need to rest in Him and allow the arms of grace to surround me. Even when I'm wrong, even when I'm just...ugly, His grace really is enough to change my heart problem. I cannot do that on my own, only He can change a heart issue. His patience, His mercy, His love is enough to bring me to my knees and cry out to Him for forgiveness and rest and joy. I am so thankful for a Father that is faithful and good. I am so thankful that He has new mercies for me every day. I am so incredibly thankful that my story doesn't end with defeat. I am so thankful for the cross. I am so thankful for a God that has already won the battle, but still has great plans for my life. I just need to let go and rest in His unfailing grace.