I Am A Puffer Fish

Defense mechanisms. All animals have them. Some animals camouflage themselves so that they are hard to see. Some animals make themselves look bigger than they are in reality. Some hide within their shells, some hide in the ground and still others move around in larger groups. These mechanisms for defense are in their very nature. These mechanisms keep them from going exstinct. They are protective.

            We also have defense mechanisms, and I have become a professional at pin pointing other individual’s protective shields, because I also tend to be bent toward leading a defensive life. There are the chameleons. These people sometimes are not sure of whom they are without other people to influence them. They change depending on what group of people they are around. You think you know a chameleon pretty well, until you see them interacting in a new environment and you realize that you don’t know them as well as you thought. There are the puffer fish. You know, the ones who make themselves seem so great, but in reality they are terrified that if they let someone get too close to them, they will see that they are not what they seem… so when people start getting too close, they puff up and keep you at a safe distance away. There are the turtles. These are the friends that you have that can be in a situation that they feel uncomfortable in and they will make themselves look very small or invisible. They move really slowly in relationships and it is very hard to gain their trust. Getting to know them is harder than running a marathon without training properly. There are many other ways that people protect themselves, but I will stop there, because I think the point has been made.

Depending on the day, I can be any number of these, but if I’m being really honest, I think that I am a puffer fish.

            I laugh when I feel uncomfortable. I am loud. I am gregarious. I am eager to meet new people. I am sarcastic and opinionated. I try to make myself look like I have it all together, but in reality I am falling apart in desperate need of grace. I feed off of the energy I get from other people. I don’t seem to mind if people are laughing with me, but deep down I feel uncomfortable and unsure of myself. Thus, I make jokes at my own expense, because if I am laughing with you, you cannot be laughing at me. I don’t mind if they are all looking at me, unless I am on a stage… then I would rather just run away. I have a lot of friends, but not many people know who I am to my core. I seldom let people get close enough to to hurt me, because once I let that guard down…it is so incredibly easy to hurt me. The extreme feeler in me is so easily broken. I keep people a safe arm’s length away from me.

I am a puffer fish.

            The strangest part about being a puffer fish is that while I do this to protect myself, it just brings up all the more insecurities that I battle. These insecurities drive me to do a lot of the things that I act on whether I care to admit it or not. These insecurities are a paradox that does not seem to go together, but the battle inside of my heart between the two is ever present every day.

            Ladies, you may know what I am talking about: the tug of war between believing that you are never enough, all the while believing that you are too much. In my mind, I constantly worry that I am not pretty enough, mature enough, quiet enough, meek enough, holy enough, skinny enough, smart enough, graceful enough, forgiving enough, not enough like *insert name here*, etc…but then I constantly worry that I am too loud, too opinionated, too silly, too fat, too hypocritical, too forgiving, etc. I am constantly too little and too much. The worst part about the teeter tottering between these two thought processes is that they are self-centered and self-loathing. Their focus is on me. They also imply that I can fix it myself. I can make myself holier. I can make myself skinnier, prettier, quieter, more forgiving. I can fix myself. It perpetuates that thought process that if I make myself prettier, then people will like me more. If I make myself holier, people will respect me more. …I can make myself less opinionated and less sarcastic. I can fix myself. I trick myself into believing that I do not need anyone or anything, because I can fix these things about myself and while I do that I can mask my insecurities with jokes and laughter… In other words, I do not need anyone else…except for his or her approval.

This is such a dangerous thought process that makes me reek of death. I can smell the sin all over me every single time I follow this thought. Please hear me when I tell you this: We are not the sum of these thoughts. They are from an enemy that wants nothing other than to destroy us. The stench of death will surround us as we follow this thought train right to destruction. You, my precious friend, are a child of the King. I am a child of the King. You, like myself, have received much grace. The reality is that we cannot fix ourselves…and we will never be enough without the gospel.

            Without Jesus conquering death, we are not enough. We are wicked to our core. Did you know that puffer fish are more toxic to humans than cyanide? I, as a puffer fish, am toxic and not worth anything apart from the gospel. I, as a puffer fish, have a huge personality that seems so shallow on the surface, because I am terrified that if I let others see the real me, that they won’t like what they see…. well….guess what? We have an audience of one. If you let someone get to know you, and they don’t like what they see, then that says more about them than it does about you. Yes, I know how hard it is to surrender these thoughts. I know that it means that you have to continue to surrender these thoughts every minute of every day. I know that it is counter cultural to not be driven by thoughts like these. I know that it is hard to stop trying to fix yourself, but it is the most liberating thing that you can ever do. When you surrender your thought life, it opens your mind up to embrace others. Rather than comparing your flaws to someone else’s flaws, you will be busy loving the person. It allows you to finally experience grace fully.

            I will not speak for you, but I will speak for myself here…I really need to stop trying so hard to please other people. I need to stop worrying about whether my personality is too much or “too immature” to someone who really has the same insecurities that I have. I mean…it is so exhausting trying to fit into the box that everyone tries to fit themselves and others into. Find rest in the arms of the Lord.

Stop worrying about whether you are not enough or too much and get busy loving other people where they are. I struggle with keeping people at an arm length away from me, but I’m going to tell you something about that: the reality is that arm’s distance is a safe, but very lonely place. Don’t spend your life lonely and scared. Stop living a defensive life.

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Just stop worrying.  Please, fellow friends, listen to me: You are always enough and never, ever too much.