7 to 1

There are a few things that I want to talk about regarding this season of singleness that I have found myself in. Now, I will start with this disclaimer: I am not ecstatic to be in this season. This is not ideal, and I am not exactly pleased with being single; however, I have found myself growing strangely okay with my day-to-day life. There are many things that I have learned throughout this season, and things that I continue to learn every day.

During this season I have learned to be fully dependent on the Lord and His will for my life. I have had to completely surrender the desire to be a wife every single morning, afternoon, and evening. I have started my day by surrendering my thought life including my professional desires and personal desires.  It is not easy to fully surrender something that you really desire, but it is the most freeing thing I have ever done. On the surface, you’d think it’d be harder and less freeing to not be in control of your life, but in reality, when I quit trying to calculate and manipulate everything in my life and finally let God take control, I found myself feeling unrestricted and energized. I was no longer exhausted all of the time. Y’all…it is so exhausting to try to be in control of your life. Seriously.

It is still a struggle though, because I am so bent towards the desire to be in control and I have to continue to surrender my thoughts all day, every day. I tend to want to try to manipulate things to work out for my benefit now, rather than trust that God is working things for my good and His glory in His timing. This means that surrender starts every single morning when my alarm clock goes off, and continues until I set the alarm for the next morning and go to sleep. Surrender happens every moment of every day. When the thoughts creep in, as they so often do, I have to stop and pray. The enemy feeds off of minds that are not constantly surrendered to the Lord. When you stop and release everything to Him, the battle is no longer yours. Isn’t that liberating? The enemy will tremble every time the battle is no longer in your hands. That is why he tries to make you want to control every aspect of your life.

            In surrendering my personal desire to be a wife, I learned that I am called to live this out joyfully. I do not know when my season of singleness will come to an end. I do not know if it will come to an end at all, but I am called to walk this road and I am called to do that well. Right now, there are many things that I can be doing with my singleness. I can invest in my friendships in a way that I will no longer be able to when I am married. I could spend my time being worried about where the Lord is taking me, or I can spend my time being intentional with the relationships that I am forming.

I think the hardest pill to swallow was finally realizing that right now I can bring Him the most glory by being a single woman in the church. I can bring Him the most glory by serving and loving the individuals that I encounter with a joyful heart. That was difficult, because so often we tend to think that only married couples can bring something to the table. My marital status does not dictate my worth to the Lord, and praise Him for that!!

            I have also learned that “singleness” is not my identity. My identity is not rooted in this season of life. The first thing that probably comes to mind when others look at me probably has nothing to do with my romantic life, so I am unsure why I put so much pressure on myself to “grow up and get married so that others will respect me and not judge me for still being single”.  Honestly, not a single person has ever told me that they couldn’t respect me because I am unmarried, so I have no idea how that idea got into my head. Satan is an enemy, friends. He preys on our deepest fears. The deepest fear in my heart for so long was that I would never get to be a wife. My deepest fear was that I would not get to make that part of my identity; therefore, my singleness in my mind was my identity. This is false and leads to destruction, sweet friends. My identity has never been, nor will it ever be in whether or not I am married. My identity is firmly rooted in the Lord. I am a beloved daughter of the King…that is my identity. This season is not my identity, and it is not yours either. Do not give this season of life that kind of power over you. Trust me.

It’s not me. No, really. Y’all this was the one of the hardest aspects of singleness for me to understand. The female heart tends to be bent towards comparison. It certainly does not help that society provides the image of the perfect woman, and we all have friends that we believe fit into that category. Society and even our friends at church throw images at us all day about what perfection looks like. The perfect woman is skinny, and sweet. She has a great smile, and has a strong walk with the Lord. She is not loud and opinionated. She serves others without complaint. She is gorgeous without make up, but looks great in a dress. She has no flaws ever. She has no blemishes and is an angel. I’ll tell you a secret though: the friends that we believe fit into this image feel just as insecure as we do. So we are all busy comparing ourselves to an impossible standard. We are also comparing ourselves to other people who have just as many flaws as we do, whether we can see them or not. The comparison games will lead to destruction every single time. It opens your heart to jealousy, bitterness, and even more insecurities. It is not you. You are not single, because you aren’t the perfect woman. Perfection is our enemy. We never will be perfect. We are sinners saved by grace. You are not single, because you are not good enough. You are not single, because you are too much. I know those thoughts all too well—the “I’m not pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, Godly enough, but I am too loud, too opinionated, too immature, and just too much in general” thought process. This thought process makes us feel undateable and unlovable. It is so unhealthy, y’all. These insecurities are not the sum of who you are. They are not the sum of why you are single. It is not us. We are not single, because we are undateable.     We are single, because we are meant to be single right now. I am single, because I am supposed to spend this time joyfully seeking the Lord.

Actually, I heard a really disheartening statistic about singleness at the church that I am a member of. In my 10,000-member multi-location church in Raleigh, North Carolina, the ratio of single women to single men is 7 to 1. 7 to 1... For every single boy in the church there are 7 solid single women. I will not lie to you, friends, my initial thought upon hearing this statistic was bent more toward the rage side of anger. I was so furious as I stood there thinking of all of the incredible Godly women that I am friends with in Raleigh that are just as single as I am. I was so furious, because NO WONDER WE KEEP COMPARING OURSELVES TO ONE ANOTHER!!! “I’m not as pretty as her, so that ONE single guy that there is obviously likes her and would never go for someone like me….” Wow. What a wicked and ugly thought! I honestly wish I didn’t know about the statistic, because I cannot get it out of my head. Then my fury turned into frustration. After yelling it out with my friends, I realized that my frustration was more centered on the fact that most (not all) of the single men that I’ve encountered are complacent. They are mostly okay with being boys who can shave rather than men of God that are willing to love and serve women like Christ loved and served the church.  I think I was also mad, because some of them have even had the audacity to label me undateable...I’m the undateable one? Dude. We’re both single. If I’m undateable, then maybe you are too. (See, I’m still mad about the statistic… It’s so annoying to continue to battle the undateable thoughts.) I just talked about how none of us are undateable and then I turn around and think, but IF I am, then you are, too! Isn’t that ridiculous? Anyways, so the statistic is 7 to 1: so what? 

I think the most problematic part about the singleness battle is that I (and our society as a whole) view this season as a problem. I sometimes view marriage as a destination and singleness as a problematic road to the ultimate fulfilling destination. I sometimes view marriage as this ultimate fulfillment of life, and that I will be incomplete until I am married… Singleness is actually a blessing. Because I am single, I am able to pour into middle school girls in a way that I wouldn’t be able to if I was married. I am able to drop anything at the drop of a hat to help a friend in need. I also have this incredible chance to invest in other single women that have the same frustrations that I have. No, I can’t do a couples ministry right now. No, I can’t do many of the things that married couples can, but I can find my own ministry. I was not created to merely be someone’s wife and mother. I was created to bring glory to the Lord. I was created to make disciples. I was created to love and serve others like Christ loved and served the church.

Single women please hear me: you do not have to be married for the Lord to use you. You do not have to be married to have a ministry. Do not think that waiting around for a boy to buy you a plate of spaghetti is what you are supposed to be doing. Please do not buy into the lie that you can only have a ministry when you’re married. Find your ministry now! Have a ministry now! Leverage your singleness to raise up disciples! Volunteer with children and teach them how to fear the Lord. Volunteer with youth and teach them how to love themselves and love others. Teach them how to love the Lord and teach them what it means to follow Him. Volunteer with college students and disciple them. Be vulnerable with them about the struggles you lived through in college and let them know that if they ever get tired of Ramen, you make a mean taco. Find a ministry that speaks to you and throw yourself into it. I chose to throw myself into the student ministry. It is not easy to answer a 7^th grader’s questions about why I am “still” single, but it is very humbling. It is not easy to answer their questions about loving others and loving themselves. It is not easy to foster healthy friendships at this age, but I am growing more than I ever have right now. I found a ministry, and honestly, I am too busy trying to raise up a generation of middle school students that will follow the Lord to the ends of the earth… I am too busy pouring myself into these girls to be concerned with whether or not some boy thinks I’m cute enough to buy me a slice of pizza. I am too busy to be concerned with my dating life, and you should be too.

I get it, though. I really do. Wanting to be married is still very much a desire that I have. Marriage is a good thing, but it is not an ultimate thing. It is not something that will complete you. You are already complete if you have been reborn in Christ. Your value is not diminished, because you are still single. You are not unlovable. You are not undateable. You are just looking at this opportunity the wrong way. You just need to take a step back and reframe your thought patterns. You are looking at the opportunity to walk out the season of singleness with the Lord as a problem that needs to be fixed. This season was never meant to be a problem. It is not a punishment. It is an opportunity to grow. I know that being single is lonely. I know you’ve been to more weddings than you want to count, and you sit there wondering when you will have your own. I know that being single is frustrating and lonely and disheartening, BUT this season is such a bittersweet time. Your loneliness now is better than loneliness in a Godless marriage.

 “Your loneliness now is monumentally better than your loneliness with a man in the house who has no intention of loving and serving you like Christ loved and served the church, no intention of pouring himself out for you and the lives and souls of your children. Jesus is enough. Trust Him when He says that…” –Matt Chandler