This One Is Hard to Write

First of all, no I haven't forgotten what I am doing this year. I have just not been writing about it...sorry fam. In short, I finished the Bible and am now doing studies of each chapter individually, I have read an average of 11 books a month all year, I have tried something new every month, and I have given something new up every month. Some of it has been really cool and fun...and some of it has been really hard, but on the first of September, I had to say my hardest goodbye of the year...and that is what this blog is about. It is about all of the people that I love in North Carolina and how much I already miss them...and how thankful I am for their love and influence on my life.
A little over 3 years ago I packed up my car and left Texas. I was not sure what would be waiting for me in Raleigh and only knew two people in the whole city. I was only planning on taking one year off of graduate school, but shortly after arriving to the RDU area, I realized that I was probably not going back to Texas. I never expected it to happen, I never dreamed of living in North Carolina, but RDU instantly felt like home. For someone like me with a gypsy soul, it was pretty surprising. I don’t feel like I’ve arrived home very often. The only other place that has ever felt more like home was Auburn,  but something about Raleigh anchored my heart down for a little over 3 years. I made incredible friends that I absolutely adore over the last few years. The family that I left in Raleigh taught me what it means to love the community around me even when it is inconvenient. They gave me the space to allow them to know me. They’ve shown me how to let others love me...and how to love myself. They’ve challenged me, talked with me, laughed with me, and cried with me over the years. I’m not the same girl that moved here 3 years ago and I have this city and the people that live here to thank for that. For my friends and family that are not from the RDU area, I challenge you to surround yourself with people who love you well; people who will call you out and challenge your thought processes, while being willing to listen to you verbally process your life. I challenge you to make friends with people that look different than you do. Make friends with people old enough to be your parents…and then make friends with their children. Be available and willing to be in other people’s lives…be vulnerable with them and be honest with yourself. Allow yourself to continue to grown and never apologize for not being the same person you were 3 years ago, 3 months ago…or even 3 days ago…but don’t forget who you are in the midst of your growth. I will always love Raleigh, North Carolina and I will always love the people that I met during my time there whether they were coworkers, friends of my co-teachers, church friends, or gym friends.
Raleigh fam, thank you for being the people that I didn’t even know that I needed in my life. Some goodbyes are harder than others, and every single one that I had to say in Raleigh was even harder than I had imagined. They were harder than any other goodbyes I’ve ever had to do. I love you all to infinity and beyond. A million times over. Thank you for loving me....and allowing me to love double names, bows and Christmas year round. Thank you for allowing the coffee to sink in before talking to me in the gym at 5:45, but also asking me why I didn't show up at 5:45 if I wasn't there-I needed that accountability. Thank you for introducing me to your friends and your families. Thank you for letting me take your daughters to Ulta and watch your dogs when you were on vacation. Thank you for hard conversations and funny jokes. Thank you for making me watch Marvel movies and eat things besides Chipotle and cheese. Thank you for making fun of me, playing golf with me, and helping me move. Thank you for joining my little book club and reading books with me. Thank you for teaching with me. Thank you for the surprises and taco nights. Thank you for teaching me how capable I am of jumping on boxes and lifting heavy weight. Thank you for the Friday nights and the Saturday nights spent laughing. Thank you for the trips to the pumpkin patches and around to see Christmas lights. Thank you for teaching me about college basketball just in time to watch my team make history....and thank you for allowing me to love Auburn as much as I do. Just....thank you! I will miss you-all of you for a million different reasons for a million different days. Please come visit me any time!! But...your girl is moving back to the land of SEC football in Alabama and I am very excited about this next chapter!   

Self Defense

A review of March:

Giving Up: Ice Cream, FroYo, Yogurt
Okay, I know I said that I would give up cheese, but that got derailed as soon as I typed it, because my bros dragged me to Qdoba for lunch and....so I gave up 3 things to make up for it. And honestly it was a lot harder than expected, because I really like yogurt. haha This April, I am giving up coffee. Yikes. I know I'm only 9 days into the month, but it is not looking great so far. My personality got left in March for sure.

Books Read: 11
Forgotten God- Francis Chan
Letters to the Church- Francis Chan
Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine-Gail Honeyman
Every Bitter Thing is Sweet-Sara Hagerty
It's Not Supposed to be This Way-Lysa TerKeurst
Amazing Love: True Stories of the Power of Forgiveness- Corrie Ten Boom
The Prodigal God- Timothy Keller
In His Image- Jen Wilkin
Women of the Word-Jen Wilkin
A Mind of Her Own-Paula McLain
The Demon Next Door- Bryan Burrough


Books of the Bible Read: 20-ish (finished the Old Testament)
Psalm 11-150
Proverbs
Ecclesiastes
Song of Solomon
Isaiah
Jeremiah
Lamentations
Ezekiel
Daniel
Hosea
Joel
Amos
Obediah
Jonah
Micah
Nahum
Habakkuk
Zephaniah
Haggai
Zechariah
Malachi

Something New: Self-Defense Class
Ohhhhh y'all! I finally signed myself up for self defense classes and let me tell you, I feel so confident in my ability to hurt anyone that comes after me. I recommend these classes to anyone and everyone. They were fun and empowering and I left feeling less and less afraid of being alone while walking to my car or something like that. Just saying. Sign. Up. Trust me!


Overall March was a wild ride. I started and completed Game of Thrones in like....a week. I got to watch my basketball team make it to the Final Four for the first time in program history. Which was more than I could have ever dreamed possible, because I definitely had them getting beat by Carolina in my March Madness bracket.......oops, sorry guys! They proved me and the rest of America wrong in March and won every single game that they played..and that game against Carolina? They won that game by 17 points. It was a lot of fun to watch and I enjoyed my time watching Auburn excel at yet another sport. Now I am in April and that means....it is time for a tradition unlike any other....the Masters! Bring on all the golf!

Trolley Pubbin'

A review of
February:

Giving Up: Binge watching TV/Movies
For those of you keeping up with me this year, January ended as a success...and then February was much more difficult than I expected it to be. Only 28 days...but I had a lot of time to myself this month to think and read, because I decided to give up binge watching tv shows alone. I'll be honest with y'all, this is not something I ever want to attempt to do again, however I did learn that I spend way too much of my time watching Netflix. While I believe that it is important to be alone sometimes to recharge, I do realize that there are other things I can do with my alone time. This month I read more, wrote more, and I even reached out to my friends more. I think this past month has challenged me to be a better friend and I am really surprised by how far I've come.
I read 12 books in 28 days and 10 books of the Old Testament. If that is any indication of how much time I've been wasting watching tv alone....yeah. I've been selfish with my time. There is definitely a time and a place to get away and unwind from the stress, but there is also a such thing as going too far with it. Honestly, I think that is what I've been doing. In March I am giving up cheese...womp womp wooooomp.

Books Read: 12
Awe - Paul David Tripp
Wild & Free - Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan
Uninvited - Lysa TerKeurst
Two By Two - Nicholas Sparks
The Proposal - Jasmine Guillory
The Ministry of Ordinary Places - Shannan Martin
The Broken Way - Ann Voskamp
Gay Girl, Good Good - Jackie Hill Perry
The Chemist - Stephanie Meyer
Lucky Suit - Lauren Blakely
Killer By Nature - Jan Smith
None Like Him- Jen Wilkin

Books of the Bible Read: 10-ish
1 Samuel
2 Samuel
1 Kings
2 Kings
1 Chronicles
2 Chronicles
Ezra
Nehemiah
Esther
Job
Psalms 1 -10


My Something New: Trolley Pub

Here's the thing, I know this isn't something completely out there and different, but I have wanted to do the Trolley Pub ever since I moved to Raleigh almost 3 years ago.....and this month I finally got to do it with some friends that I have made since moving here. It was a lot of fun, but it rained all day...so if I ever do it again I want it to be sunny outside.


Book Update:
For the few people that are wondering how the book is coming along...it is a slow process and I am still working on it. I have written a little bit every day this year so far and I have really been surprised by how the story of Mallory and her friend is starting to sort itself out. Thank you to everyone that has had such nice things to say to me about the very tiny amount that I shared last month. I am excited to see how it turns out. Who knows, maybe it will be worth sharing when I finish.

Why I Decided to Write a Book

I should probably tell you that I am not a new year’s resolution type of girl. Sure, I’ve made a few

in the past, but mostly out of spite. The only times I have ever followed through with my resolutions

have been the few years in which someone has told me that I would never succeed. In 2009 I quit

drinking Mountain Dew cold turkey, because someone told me that I would never be able to go an

entire year without it. In 2010 I decided to only drink water, because someone told me that I wouldn’t

be able to do it. Guess what? I succeeded both times.

I realize that being motivated by spite is not the greatest thing in the world, so this year I am

devoting myself to 5 major things: 1) I am attempting to give up one thing each month that I enjoy

2) I am going to do something that I have never done at least once a month 3) I am going to fill my

moments with lots of books. 4) I am going to read the Bible in order from start to finish 5) I am going

to love my friends big.

I am so excited about 2019, because I think I am going to learn amazing things about the Lord,

myself, and my friends and family.  I guess you could say that my goal for 2019 is to not sit around

and waste my time. Each month I will write to update on what I did and what I learned. I will write

about my successes and my failures. I will probably laugh a lot at myself, and I hope you will laugh

with me. I cannot wait to spend this year reading, attempting new and exciting things, and loving the

mess out of those the Lord has placed in my life. So buckle up, friends...2019 is about to get

interesting.

A review of January:

Giving up: Chocolate

This month I decided to give up something that I thought would be relatively easy since

it’s only January. Am I the only person that thinks January lasts for an eternity? I am

honestly not a big fan of chocolate, so I figured this one would be an easy way to start.

I know what you’re probably thinking...you're thinking that I am chickening out, but I really

just didn’t want to choose something impossibly hard and quit in the middle of January

throwing off my entire year. This is what I have learned this month without chocolate: Not

being able to have something makes it infinitely harder not to have it….even if it is something

that I DON’T necessarily like. Isn't that interesting? Based on that fact alone, you probably

can guess that this was much harder than I anticipated. I’ve never thought about the various

things that contain chocolate until this month. I even had to give up my weekly splurge

coffee, because it was a White Chocolate Mocha. Yesterday when I went to Devon’s

apartment to meet her adorable new puppy, I wasn’t able to eat the brownies that Kristen

prepared for us. I won’t lie, I felt pretty tortured in that moment. Nevertheless, I think I

will call January a success. I only have 4 more days left and at this point, I think I can say no

to anything right about now. Next month I am going to give up binge watching tv shows

alone. We will see how that goes.

Books Read: 10

Yeah, you read that correctly, I’ve read 10 books this month.

Here are the 10 books I’ve managed to complete this month so far.

Not God Enough- JD Greear
The Gospel Comes With a House Key- Rosaria Butterfield
Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life- Shauna
Niequist
Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way-Shauna
 Niequist
Pride & Prejudice- Jane Austen
If you Only Knew: My Unlikely, Unavoidable Story of Becoming Free-Jamie Ivey
Where the Crawdads Sing- Delia Owens
Something In The Water-Catherine Steadman
The Tattooist of Auschwitz- Heather Morris
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland- Lewis Carroll

Books of the Bible read:

Genesis
Exodus
Leviticus
Numbers
Deuteronomy
Joshua
Judges
Ruth

My something new: I started writing a book

This is something I have always wanted to do, but I’ve never had the guts to actually do it. I read

books all of the time, and I enjoy reading the beautifully written words of others so much that I did

not want to fail. So this month I decided I was going to start writing a book--even if I fail and

it's absolutely horrendous.

I figured that doing something that I've never done--something out of my comfort zone--

could result in my failure. And that's okay...I'm tired of being afraid of failure.

I challenged myself to write at least 20 pages of this book during the month of January.

The story is probably terrible, (and it will definitely never see the light of day) but I am still pretty

proud of myself for actually doing something that I’ve always been too scared try.

I didn’t expect to do this, but I think I am going to share just a paragraph from what I’ve written so

far:

“Mallory is pretty much the anti-sorority girl. With her unkempt long black and blue hair,

tattoos and septum piercing, she was my opposite. I’m not the cookie cutter sorority girl, I

don’t even know what to do with makeup and hair products...but I do wear bows in my hair

and I definitely have a pearl tan line. On paper Mallory and I don’t make sense. She

listens to punk rock and reads Edgar Allan Poe while I read Jane Austen and watch

Gilmore Girls. We probably shouldn’t be friends, but truth be told, Mallory is the best friend

I have ever had.  I think it was our mutual love of queso and tacos that sealed the friendship.

We met waiting for Chem Lab to start. I was changing out of my Chacos into sneakers as Dr.

Swann stormed down the hallway flailing his arms in horror shouting at every student that

entered the building with open-toed shoes on. If they did not have a change of shoes, they got

thrown out of the whole building. It seemed a bit extreme if you ask me...”

Now that I feel very exposed, maybe it's a good time to share that I realize that I am not a 
great writer. I wasn’t planning on sharing any part of this process with anyone, but I wanted to maybe encourage someone who actually may be talented in writing to just do it. Sit down and start writing! There is something unbelievably freeing about doing something that you’ve always wanted to do that absolutely scares the mess out of you...and even if the story isn’t good, you’ll know that you tried something new. 

The Stars Have Nothing On You

           I've probably said this a million times, but I have always had a restless heart. There is always another adventure waiting for me. There is always a setting sun to chase. There are always new people to meet and new places to see. I am the opposite from my brother in that way. He has this amazing ability to appreciate everything around him without feeling the need to up and move away every year or so. I have always admired how he is as steady as the sun. When he builds roots, he makes sure they last. I, on the other hand, have been known to make deep friendships quickly and then feel the need to run away. I guess that makes me a runner. I run after things, but I also run away from things that make me uncomfortable. The things that make me feel uncomfortable are the very things that I need the most like community and accountability. The idea of meeting people and loving them for who they are excites me, however, the idea of being known deeply by these same people terrifies me. Why is that?  

As someone with a restless heart, I have hiked for hours to watch the sunrise over a mountain, and I have driven miles to watch the sunset over the ocean. I've pulled all-nighters with my eyes looking upward just mesmerized by how incredible the stars look at night on a country back road. I have paid tons of money to look at the creations all around me with adoration. I mean, these things make sense. Sunsets, sunrises, stars, waterfalls, redwood trees, the list goes on....these things are incredible. They are beautiful. They seem so intricate and delicate, yet filled with a ferocity that often catches us by surprise.  

In college, I watched the "How Great Is Our God" tour with Louie Giglio speaking. He started from the beginning to describe how incredible the creations really are. "And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light." Wow. Just that sentence alone is insane. The Lord breathed light into existence just by uttering these words. God didn't even lift a finger when he created the created the Universe..."By the word of the Lord, the heavens were made. Their starry hosts by the breath of his mouth." So, let's just talk about the expanse of the Universe for a quick moment. If the Earth were a golf ball, the Sun would be 15 feet in diameter. You could put 960,000 golf balls inside of the Sun, which is enough golf balls to fill a school bus with golf balls. The Sun isn't even a very large star in the Universe... Beetlejuice is a star that is twice the size of the Earth's ORBIT around the Sun. If the Earth were a golf ball, it would be the height of 6 Empire State Buildings stacked on top of each other. You could fit 262 trillion Earths inside of this star!! Then there is Canis Majoris... If Earth were a golf ball, this star would be the height of Mount Everest. You could cover the entire state of Texas 22 inches deep with the amount of golf balls it would take to fill this star if Earth were a golf ball... I know, that's just crazy! Of course we're mesmerized by the creation around us. It is indescribable...and these stars were literally spoken into existence!  

Does that not make you feel so small? I know when I first heard this message, I was stunned. I spent so much of my time thinking that I knew better than God about how to live my life. I spent so much of my energy trying to manipulate things to work out for my benefit rather than just letting the Lord take control. But as I sat there listening to him talk about the size of the stars that I admire from afar, I felt incredibly small.  

The good news is that the story doesn't end there. Yes, the Lord breathed the Universe and stars into existence. Yes, that is incredible. But have you ever realized what it took to create YOU? 

The Lord did not even lift a finger to create the stars and the Earth, but He took the time to mold and create you. Every hair on your head was meant to be there. The crinkle of your nose when you laugh was meant specifically for you. Every freckle on your nose was meant to be there. Even the golden brown in your eyes were chosen and created specifically for you. The same God that breathed life into existence is the same God that took the time to create and mold you.  

I know sometimes it is hard to believe how incredible you are, especially when you are surrounded by such spectacular creations. It's hard to not look up at the sky and feel small. It is especially hard when life isn't going the way you hoped it would go. Because, I mean...there will always be times when we desperately wish we could go back and reset some of the things that were set into motion in our lives. Life has this way of making you laugh and cry. Life can cut you deep at times. I know, I get it. But y'all....the stars that I just described have NOTHING on you. These giant, bright, shining stars that we spend time admiring have nothing on the way your eyes shine when you talk about someone you love. The Sun has nothing on the way your entire face lights up when you start to laugh. Beetlejuice can't even hold a candle to your ability to love other people. Canis Majoris has nothing on your ability to engage with the people around you. Even when life hurts, even when life is hard... the stars have nothing on you. If you ever feel lost or broken inside, just remember that the same God that didn't lift a finger to create stars, created you by molding you together. He took the time to lift His fingers to create you.  

You, my friend, are worth knowing. I am worth knowing. I'm starting to learn that I can chase adventures, but that does not mean that I have to run away from people that know who I am to my core. I'm starting to learn that it is good to be known and held accountable by a loving community. My very sweet, and loving community here in Raleigh has pointed out to me that I struggle with comparison in the name of "humility" and I realized that I am not the only person who struggles in this way. So, naturally, I felt the need to write about my struggle with you friends. 

I find myself believing, at times, that to be filled with humilty, I have to believe that I am not good enough, but that is not what humility is. Humility is not believing that you will never be enough. The God of the Universe created YOU, because He decided that the world just really needed someone exactly like you. YOU are amazing. Humility is knowing that there is nothing that you could ever do to make the Lord love you more than He already does, and understanding that there is nothing you could ever do to make Him love you any less. Humility means that you understand how amazing God is and that you could not live life without Him reigning over your life. Humility is not talking about how amazing other people are and how unimpressive you are. Humility is not forgetting your identity, because YOU ARE AMAZING and LOVED by the God of the Universe!!! Even when life is falling apart, you are loved!! I have learned that my struggle with humility has really influenced the restlessness of my heart. I run away from accountability and community, because I am afraid of being known. I am afraid that when people know me, they won't like what they see because I'm not good enough. That is just not the case. I am surrounded by people that love me. They love the little things about me, that I forgot how to love. They love the big things about me, that I often times forget about. This community that has rallied around me in Raleigh, has brought me back to life and shown me that I don't have to be afraid to let people get to know me. They have pointed me to truth and shown me that it is okay to want to be better today than I was yesterday, but that it is also okay that I snort when I laugh. They've shown me how incredible of a creation I am, so I wanted to do the same thing for all of you.  

When you feel small, and trapped in a comparison game with someone in the line in front of you at Target, please remember that the stars have nothing on you. Remember that you are incredible, and fiercely loved by the Star Breather, Himself...and loved by me as well as the community that surrounds you. It is okay to admire the creation that surrounds you, it is only natural...just don't let your identity get lost in a comparison game, because, to be honest...there is no comparison. 

I Am A Puffer Fish

Defense mechanisms. All animals have them. Some animals camouflage themselves so that they are hard to see. Some animals make themselves look bigger than they are in reality. Some hide within their shells, some hide in the ground and still others move around in larger groups. These mechanisms for defense are in their very nature. These mechanisms keep them from going exstinct. They are protective.

            We also have defense mechanisms, and I have become a professional at pin pointing other individual’s protective shields, because I also tend to be bent toward leading a defensive life. There are the chameleons. These people sometimes are not sure of whom they are without other people to influence them. They change depending on what group of people they are around. You think you know a chameleon pretty well, until you see them interacting in a new environment and you realize that you don’t know them as well as you thought. There are the puffer fish. You know, the ones who make themselves seem so great, but in reality they are terrified that if they let someone get too close to them, they will see that they are not what they seem… so when people start getting too close, they puff up and keep you at a safe distance away. There are the turtles. These are the friends that you have that can be in a situation that they feel uncomfortable in and they will make themselves look very small or invisible. They move really slowly in relationships and it is very hard to gain their trust. Getting to know them is harder than running a marathon without training properly. There are many other ways that people protect themselves, but I will stop there, because I think the point has been made.

Depending on the day, I can be any number of these, but if I’m being really honest, I think that I am a puffer fish.

            I laugh when I feel uncomfortable. I am loud. I am gregarious. I am eager to meet new people. I am sarcastic and opinionated. I try to make myself look like I have it all together, but in reality I am falling apart in desperate need of grace. I feed off of the energy I get from other people. I don’t seem to mind if people are laughing with me, but deep down I feel uncomfortable and unsure of myself. Thus, I make jokes at my own expense, because if I am laughing with you, you cannot be laughing at me. I don’t mind if they are all looking at me, unless I am on a stage… then I would rather just run away. I have a lot of friends, but not many people know who I am to my core. I seldom let people get close enough to to hurt me, because once I let that guard down…it is so incredibly easy to hurt me. The extreme feeler in me is so easily broken. I keep people a safe arm’s length away from me.

I am a puffer fish.

            The strangest part about being a puffer fish is that while I do this to protect myself, it just brings up all the more insecurities that I battle. These insecurities drive me to do a lot of the things that I act on whether I care to admit it or not. These insecurities are a paradox that does not seem to go together, but the battle inside of my heart between the two is ever present every day.

            Ladies, you may know what I am talking about: the tug of war between believing that you are never enough, all the while believing that you are too much. In my mind, I constantly worry that I am not pretty enough, mature enough, quiet enough, meek enough, holy enough, skinny enough, smart enough, graceful enough, forgiving enough, not enough like *insert name here*, etc…but then I constantly worry that I am too loud, too opinionated, too silly, too fat, too hypocritical, too forgiving, etc. I am constantly too little and too much. The worst part about the teeter tottering between these two thought processes is that they are self-centered and self-loathing. Their focus is on me. They also imply that I can fix it myself. I can make myself holier. I can make myself skinnier, prettier, quieter, more forgiving. I can fix myself. It perpetuates that thought process that if I make myself prettier, then people will like me more. If I make myself holier, people will respect me more. …I can make myself less opinionated and less sarcastic. I can fix myself. I trick myself into believing that I do not need anyone or anything, because I can fix these things about myself and while I do that I can mask my insecurities with jokes and laughter… In other words, I do not need anyone else…except for his or her approval.

This is such a dangerous thought process that makes me reek of death. I can smell the sin all over me every single time I follow this thought. Please hear me when I tell you this: We are not the sum of these thoughts. They are from an enemy that wants nothing other than to destroy us. The stench of death will surround us as we follow this thought train right to destruction. You, my precious friend, are a child of the King. I am a child of the King. You, like myself, have received much grace. The reality is that we cannot fix ourselves…and we will never be enough without the gospel.

            Without Jesus conquering death, we are not enough. We are wicked to our core. Did you know that puffer fish are more toxic to humans than cyanide? I, as a puffer fish, am toxic and not worth anything apart from the gospel. I, as a puffer fish, have a huge personality that seems so shallow on the surface, because I am terrified that if I let others see the real me, that they won’t like what they see…. well….guess what? We have an audience of one. If you let someone get to know you, and they don’t like what they see, then that says more about them than it does about you. Yes, I know how hard it is to surrender these thoughts. I know that it means that you have to continue to surrender these thoughts every minute of every day. I know that it is counter cultural to not be driven by thoughts like these. I know that it is hard to stop trying to fix yourself, but it is the most liberating thing that you can ever do. When you surrender your thought life, it opens your mind up to embrace others. Rather than comparing your flaws to someone else’s flaws, you will be busy loving the person. It allows you to finally experience grace fully.

            I will not speak for you, but I will speak for myself here…I really need to stop trying so hard to please other people. I need to stop worrying about whether my personality is too much or “too immature” to someone who really has the same insecurities that I have. I mean…it is so exhausting trying to fit into the box that everyone tries to fit themselves and others into. Find rest in the arms of the Lord.

Stop worrying about whether you are not enough or too much and get busy loving other people where they are. I struggle with keeping people at an arm length away from me, but I’m going to tell you something about that: the reality is that arm’s distance is a safe, but very lonely place. Don’t spend your life lonely and scared. Stop living a defensive life.

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Just stop worrying.  Please, fellow friends, listen to me: You are always enough and never, ever too much.