The Stars Have Nothing On You

           I've probably said this a million times, but I have always had a restless heart. There is always another adventure waiting for me. There is always a setting sun to chase. There are always new people to meet and new places to see. I am the opposite from my brother in that way. He has this amazing ability to appreciate everything around him without feeling the need to up and move away every year or so. I have always admired how he is as steady as the sun. When he builds roots, he makes sure they last. I, on the other hand, have been known to make deep friendships quickly and then feel the need to run away. I guess that makes me a runner. I run after things, but I also run away from things that make me uncomfortable. The things that make me feel uncomfortable are the very things that I need the most like community and accountability. The idea of meeting people and loving them for who they are excites me, however, the idea of being known deeply by these same people terrifies me. Why is that?  

As someone with a restless heart, I have hiked for hours to watch the sunrise over a mountain, and I have driven miles to watch the sunset over the ocean. I've pulled all-nighters with my eyes looking upward just mesmerized by how incredible the stars look at night on a country back road. I have paid tons of money to look at the creations all around me with adoration. I mean, these things make sense. Sunsets, sunrises, stars, waterfalls, redwood trees, the list goes on....these things are incredible. They are beautiful. They seem so intricate and delicate, yet filled with a ferocity that often catches us by surprise.  

In college, I watched the "How Great Is Our God" tour with Louie Giglio speaking. He started from the beginning to describe how incredible the creations really are. "And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light." Wow. Just that sentence alone is insane. The Lord breathed light into existence just by uttering these words. God didn't even lift a finger when he created the created the Universe..."By the word of the Lord, the heavens were made. Their starry hosts by the breath of his mouth." So, let's just talk about the expanse of the Universe for a quick moment. If the Earth were a golf ball, the Sun would be 15 feet in diameter. You could put 960,000 golf balls inside of the Sun, which is enough golf balls to fill a school bus with golf balls. The Sun isn't even a very large star in the Universe... Beetlejuice is a star that is twice the size of the Earth's ORBIT around the Sun. If the Earth were a golf ball, it would be the height of 6 Empire State Buildings stacked on top of each other. You could fit 262 trillion Earths inside of this star!! Then there is Canis Majoris... If Earth were a golf ball, this star would be the height of Mount Everest. You could cover the entire state of Texas 22 inches deep with the amount of golf balls it would take to fill this star if Earth were a golf ball... I know, that's just crazy! Of course we're mesmerized by the creation around us. It is indescribable...and these stars were literally spoken into existence!  

Does that not make you feel so small? I know when I first heard this message, I was stunned. I spent so much of my time thinking that I knew better than God about how to live my life. I spent so much of my energy trying to manipulate things to work out for my benefit rather than just letting the Lord take control. But as I sat there listening to him talk about the size of the stars that I admire from afar, I felt incredibly small.  

The good news is that the story doesn't end there. Yes, the Lord breathed the Universe and stars into existence. Yes, that is incredible. But have you ever realized what it took to create YOU? 

The Lord did not even lift a finger to create the stars and the Earth, but He took the time to mold and create you. Every hair on your head was meant to be there. The crinkle of your nose when you laugh was meant specifically for you. Every freckle on your nose was meant to be there. Even the golden brown in your eyes were chosen and created specifically for you. The same God that breathed life into existence is the same God that took the time to create and mold you.  

I know sometimes it is hard to believe how incredible you are, especially when you are surrounded by such spectacular creations. It's hard to not look up at the sky and feel small. It is especially hard when life isn't going the way you hoped it would go. Because, I mean...there will always be times when we desperately wish we could go back and reset some of the things that were set into motion in our lives. Life has this way of making you laugh and cry. Life can cut you deep at times. I know, I get it. But y'all....the stars that I just described have NOTHING on you. These giant, bright, shining stars that we spend time admiring have nothing on the way your eyes shine when you talk about someone you love. The Sun has nothing on the way your entire face lights up when you start to laugh. Beetlejuice can't even hold a candle to your ability to love other people. Canis Majoris has nothing on your ability to engage with the people around you. Even when life hurts, even when life is hard... the stars have nothing on you. If you ever feel lost or broken inside, just remember that the same God that didn't lift a finger to create stars, created you by molding you together. He took the time to lift His fingers to create you.  

You, my friend, are worth knowing. I am worth knowing. I'm starting to learn that I can chase adventures, but that does not mean that I have to run away from people that know who I am to my core. I'm starting to learn that it is good to be known and held accountable by a loving community. My very sweet, and loving community here in Raleigh has pointed out to me that I struggle with comparison in the name of "humility" and I realized that I am not the only person who struggles in this way. So, naturally, I felt the need to write about my struggle with you friends. 

I find myself believing, at times, that to be filled with humilty, I have to believe that I am not good enough, but that is not what humility is. Humility is not believing that you will never be enough. The God of the Universe created YOU, because He decided that the world just really needed someone exactly like you. YOU are amazing. Humility is knowing that there is nothing that you could ever do to make the Lord love you more than He already does, and understanding that there is nothing you could ever do to make Him love you any less. Humility means that you understand how amazing God is and that you could not live life without Him reigning over your life. Humility is not talking about how amazing other people are and how unimpressive you are. Humility is not forgetting your identity, because YOU ARE AMAZING and LOVED by the God of the Universe!!! Even when life is falling apart, you are loved!! I have learned that my struggle with humility has really influenced the restlessness of my heart. I run away from accountability and community, because I am afraid of being known. I am afraid that when people know me, they won't like what they see because I'm not good enough. That is just not the case. I am surrounded by people that love me. They love the little things about me, that I forgot how to love. They love the big things about me, that I often times forget about. This community that has rallied around me in Raleigh, has brought me back to life and shown me that I don't have to be afraid to let people get to know me. They have pointed me to truth and shown me that it is okay to want to be better today than I was yesterday, but that it is also okay that I snort when I laugh. They've shown me how incredible of a creation I am, so I wanted to do the same thing for all of you.  

When you feel small, and trapped in a comparison game with someone in the line in front of you at Target, please remember that the stars have nothing on you. Remember that you are incredible, and fiercely loved by the Star Breather, Himself...and loved by me as well as the community that surrounds you. It is okay to admire the creation that surrounds you, it is only natural...just don't let your identity get lost in a comparison game, because, to be honest...there is no comparison. 

I Am A Puffer Fish

Defense mechanisms. All animals have them. Some animals camouflage themselves so that they are hard to see. Some animals make themselves look bigger than they are in reality. Some hide within their shells, some hide in the ground and still others move around in larger groups. These mechanisms for defense are in their very nature. These mechanisms keep them from going exstinct. They are protective.

            We also have defense mechanisms, and I have become a professional at pin pointing other individual’s protective shields, because I also tend to be bent toward leading a defensive life. There are the chameleons. These people sometimes are not sure of whom they are without other people to influence them. They change depending on what group of people they are around. You think you know a chameleon pretty well, until you see them interacting in a new environment and you realize that you don’t know them as well as you thought. There are the puffer fish. You know, the ones who make themselves seem so great, but in reality they are terrified that if they let someone get too close to them, they will see that they are not what they seem… so when people start getting too close, they puff up and keep you at a safe distance away. There are the turtles. These are the friends that you have that can be in a situation that they feel uncomfortable in and they will make themselves look very small or invisible. They move really slowly in relationships and it is very hard to gain their trust. Getting to know them is harder than running a marathon without training properly. There are many other ways that people protect themselves, but I will stop there, because I think the point has been made.

Depending on the day, I can be any number of these, but if I’m being really honest, I think that I am a puffer fish.

            I laugh when I feel uncomfortable. I am loud. I am gregarious. I am eager to meet new people. I am sarcastic and opinionated. I try to make myself look like I have it all together, but in reality I am falling apart in desperate need of grace. I feed off of the energy I get from other people. I don’t seem to mind if people are laughing with me, but deep down I feel uncomfortable and unsure of myself. Thus, I make jokes at my own expense, because if I am laughing with you, you cannot be laughing at me. I don’t mind if they are all looking at me, unless I am on a stage… then I would rather just run away. I have a lot of friends, but not many people know who I am to my core. I seldom let people get close enough to to hurt me, because once I let that guard down…it is so incredibly easy to hurt me. The extreme feeler in me is so easily broken. I keep people a safe arm’s length away from me.

I am a puffer fish.

            The strangest part about being a puffer fish is that while I do this to protect myself, it just brings up all the more insecurities that I battle. These insecurities drive me to do a lot of the things that I act on whether I care to admit it or not. These insecurities are a paradox that does not seem to go together, but the battle inside of my heart between the two is ever present every day.

            Ladies, you may know what I am talking about: the tug of war between believing that you are never enough, all the while believing that you are too much. In my mind, I constantly worry that I am not pretty enough, mature enough, quiet enough, meek enough, holy enough, skinny enough, smart enough, graceful enough, forgiving enough, not enough like *insert name here*, etc…but then I constantly worry that I am too loud, too opinionated, too silly, too fat, too hypocritical, too forgiving, etc. I am constantly too little and too much. The worst part about the teeter tottering between these two thought processes is that they are self-centered and self-loathing. Their focus is on me. They also imply that I can fix it myself. I can make myself holier. I can make myself skinnier, prettier, quieter, more forgiving. I can fix myself. It perpetuates that thought process that if I make myself prettier, then people will like me more. If I make myself holier, people will respect me more. …I can make myself less opinionated and less sarcastic. I can fix myself. I trick myself into believing that I do not need anyone or anything, because I can fix these things about myself and while I do that I can mask my insecurities with jokes and laughter… In other words, I do not need anyone else…except for his or her approval.

This is such a dangerous thought process that makes me reek of death. I can smell the sin all over me every single time I follow this thought. Please hear me when I tell you this: We are not the sum of these thoughts. They are from an enemy that wants nothing other than to destroy us. The stench of death will surround us as we follow this thought train right to destruction. You, my precious friend, are a child of the King. I am a child of the King. You, like myself, have received much grace. The reality is that we cannot fix ourselves…and we will never be enough without the gospel.

            Without Jesus conquering death, we are not enough. We are wicked to our core. Did you know that puffer fish are more toxic to humans than cyanide? I, as a puffer fish, am toxic and not worth anything apart from the gospel. I, as a puffer fish, have a huge personality that seems so shallow on the surface, because I am terrified that if I let others see the real me, that they won’t like what they see…. well….guess what? We have an audience of one. If you let someone get to know you, and they don’t like what they see, then that says more about them than it does about you. Yes, I know how hard it is to surrender these thoughts. I know that it means that you have to continue to surrender these thoughts every minute of every day. I know that it is counter cultural to not be driven by thoughts like these. I know that it is hard to stop trying to fix yourself, but it is the most liberating thing that you can ever do. When you surrender your thought life, it opens your mind up to embrace others. Rather than comparing your flaws to someone else’s flaws, you will be busy loving the person. It allows you to finally experience grace fully.

            I will not speak for you, but I will speak for myself here…I really need to stop trying so hard to please other people. I need to stop worrying about whether my personality is too much or “too immature” to someone who really has the same insecurities that I have. I mean…it is so exhausting trying to fit into the box that everyone tries to fit themselves and others into. Find rest in the arms of the Lord.

Stop worrying about whether you are not enough or too much and get busy loving other people where they are. I struggle with keeping people at an arm length away from me, but I’m going to tell you something about that: the reality is that arm’s distance is a safe, but very lonely place. Don’t spend your life lonely and scared. Stop living a defensive life.

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Just stop worrying.  Please, fellow friends, listen to me: You are always enough and never, ever too much.

7 to 1

There are a few things that I want to talk about regarding this season of singleness that I have found myself in. Now, I will start with this disclaimer: I am not ecstatic to be in this season. This is not ideal, and I am not exactly pleased with being single; however, I have found myself growing strangely okay with my day-to-day life. There are many things that I have learned throughout this season, and things that I continue to learn every day.

During this season I have learned to be fully dependent on the Lord and His will for my life. I have had to completely surrender the desire to be a wife every single morning, afternoon, and evening. I have started my day by surrendering my thought life including my professional desires and personal desires.  It is not easy to fully surrender something that you really desire, but it is the most freeing thing I have ever done. On the surface, you’d think it’d be harder and less freeing to not be in control of your life, but in reality, when I quit trying to calculate and manipulate everything in my life and finally let God take control, I found myself feeling unrestricted and energized. I was no longer exhausted all of the time. Y’all…it is so exhausting to try to be in control of your life. Seriously.

It is still a struggle though, because I am so bent towards the desire to be in control and I have to continue to surrender my thoughts all day, every day. I tend to want to try to manipulate things to work out for my benefit now, rather than trust that God is working things for my good and His glory in His timing. This means that surrender starts every single morning when my alarm clock goes off, and continues until I set the alarm for the next morning and go to sleep. Surrender happens every moment of every day. When the thoughts creep in, as they so often do, I have to stop and pray. The enemy feeds off of minds that are not constantly surrendered to the Lord. When you stop and release everything to Him, the battle is no longer yours. Isn’t that liberating? The enemy will tremble every time the battle is no longer in your hands. That is why he tries to make you want to control every aspect of your life.

            In surrendering my personal desire to be a wife, I learned that I am called to live this out joyfully. I do not know when my season of singleness will come to an end. I do not know if it will come to an end at all, but I am called to walk this road and I am called to do that well. Right now, there are many things that I can be doing with my singleness. I can invest in my friendships in a way that I will no longer be able to when I am married. I could spend my time being worried about where the Lord is taking me, or I can spend my time being intentional with the relationships that I am forming.

I think the hardest pill to swallow was finally realizing that right now I can bring Him the most glory by being a single woman in the church. I can bring Him the most glory by serving and loving the individuals that I encounter with a joyful heart. That was difficult, because so often we tend to think that only married couples can bring something to the table. My marital status does not dictate my worth to the Lord, and praise Him for that!!

            I have also learned that “singleness” is not my identity. My identity is not rooted in this season of life. The first thing that probably comes to mind when others look at me probably has nothing to do with my romantic life, so I am unsure why I put so much pressure on myself to “grow up and get married so that others will respect me and not judge me for still being single”.  Honestly, not a single person has ever told me that they couldn’t respect me because I am unmarried, so I have no idea how that idea got into my head. Satan is an enemy, friends. He preys on our deepest fears. The deepest fear in my heart for so long was that I would never get to be a wife. My deepest fear was that I would not get to make that part of my identity; therefore, my singleness in my mind was my identity. This is false and leads to destruction, sweet friends. My identity has never been, nor will it ever be in whether or not I am married. My identity is firmly rooted in the Lord. I am a beloved daughter of the King…that is my identity. This season is not my identity, and it is not yours either. Do not give this season of life that kind of power over you. Trust me.

It’s not me. No, really. Y’all this was the one of the hardest aspects of singleness for me to understand. The female heart tends to be bent towards comparison. It certainly does not help that society provides the image of the perfect woman, and we all have friends that we believe fit into that category. Society and even our friends at church throw images at us all day about what perfection looks like. The perfect woman is skinny, and sweet. She has a great smile, and has a strong walk with the Lord. She is not loud and opinionated. She serves others without complaint. She is gorgeous without make up, but looks great in a dress. She has no flaws ever. She has no blemishes and is an angel. I’ll tell you a secret though: the friends that we believe fit into this image feel just as insecure as we do. So we are all busy comparing ourselves to an impossible standard. We are also comparing ourselves to other people who have just as many flaws as we do, whether we can see them or not. The comparison games will lead to destruction every single time. It opens your heart to jealousy, bitterness, and even more insecurities. It is not you. You are not single, because you aren’t the perfect woman. Perfection is our enemy. We never will be perfect. We are sinners saved by grace. You are not single, because you are not good enough. You are not single, because you are too much. I know those thoughts all too well—the “I’m not pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, Godly enough, but I am too loud, too opinionated, too immature, and just too much in general” thought process. This thought process makes us feel undateable and unlovable. It is so unhealthy, y’all. These insecurities are not the sum of who you are. They are not the sum of why you are single. It is not us. We are not single, because we are undateable.     We are single, because we are meant to be single right now. I am single, because I am supposed to spend this time joyfully seeking the Lord.

Actually, I heard a really disheartening statistic about singleness at the church that I am a member of. In my 10,000-member multi-location church in Raleigh, North Carolina, the ratio of single women to single men is 7 to 1. 7 to 1... For every single boy in the church there are 7 solid single women. I will not lie to you, friends, my initial thought upon hearing this statistic was bent more toward the rage side of anger. I was so furious as I stood there thinking of all of the incredible Godly women that I am friends with in Raleigh that are just as single as I am. I was so furious, because NO WONDER WE KEEP COMPARING OURSELVES TO ONE ANOTHER!!! “I’m not as pretty as her, so that ONE single guy that there is obviously likes her and would never go for someone like me….” Wow. What a wicked and ugly thought! I honestly wish I didn’t know about the statistic, because I cannot get it out of my head. Then my fury turned into frustration. After yelling it out with my friends, I realized that my frustration was more centered on the fact that most (not all) of the single men that I’ve encountered are complacent. They are mostly okay with being boys who can shave rather than men of God that are willing to love and serve women like Christ loved and served the church.  I think I was also mad, because some of them have even had the audacity to label me undateable...I’m the undateable one? Dude. We’re both single. If I’m undateable, then maybe you are too. (See, I’m still mad about the statistic… It’s so annoying to continue to battle the undateable thoughts.) I just talked about how none of us are undateable and then I turn around and think, but IF I am, then you are, too! Isn’t that ridiculous? Anyways, so the statistic is 7 to 1: so what? 

I think the most problematic part about the singleness battle is that I (and our society as a whole) view this season as a problem. I sometimes view marriage as a destination and singleness as a problematic road to the ultimate fulfilling destination. I sometimes view marriage as this ultimate fulfillment of life, and that I will be incomplete until I am married… Singleness is actually a blessing. Because I am single, I am able to pour into middle school girls in a way that I wouldn’t be able to if I was married. I am able to drop anything at the drop of a hat to help a friend in need. I also have this incredible chance to invest in other single women that have the same frustrations that I have. No, I can’t do a couples ministry right now. No, I can’t do many of the things that married couples can, but I can find my own ministry. I was not created to merely be someone’s wife and mother. I was created to bring glory to the Lord. I was created to make disciples. I was created to love and serve others like Christ loved and served the church.

Single women please hear me: you do not have to be married for the Lord to use you. You do not have to be married to have a ministry. Do not think that waiting around for a boy to buy you a plate of spaghetti is what you are supposed to be doing. Please do not buy into the lie that you can only have a ministry when you’re married. Find your ministry now! Have a ministry now! Leverage your singleness to raise up disciples! Volunteer with children and teach them how to fear the Lord. Volunteer with youth and teach them how to love themselves and love others. Teach them how to love the Lord and teach them what it means to follow Him. Volunteer with college students and disciple them. Be vulnerable with them about the struggles you lived through in college and let them know that if they ever get tired of Ramen, you make a mean taco. Find a ministry that speaks to you and throw yourself into it. I chose to throw myself into the student ministry. It is not easy to answer a 7^th grader’s questions about why I am “still” single, but it is very humbling. It is not easy to answer their questions about loving others and loving themselves. It is not easy to foster healthy friendships at this age, but I am growing more than I ever have right now. I found a ministry, and honestly, I am too busy trying to raise up a generation of middle school students that will follow the Lord to the ends of the earth… I am too busy pouring myself into these girls to be concerned with whether or not some boy thinks I’m cute enough to buy me a slice of pizza. I am too busy to be concerned with my dating life, and you should be too.

I get it, though. I really do. Wanting to be married is still very much a desire that I have. Marriage is a good thing, but it is not an ultimate thing. It is not something that will complete you. You are already complete if you have been reborn in Christ. Your value is not diminished, because you are still single. You are not unlovable. You are not undateable. You are just looking at this opportunity the wrong way. You just need to take a step back and reframe your thought patterns. You are looking at the opportunity to walk out the season of singleness with the Lord as a problem that needs to be fixed. This season was never meant to be a problem. It is not a punishment. It is an opportunity to grow. I know that being single is lonely. I know you’ve been to more weddings than you want to count, and you sit there wondering when you will have your own. I know that being single is frustrating and lonely and disheartening, BUT this season is such a bittersweet time. Your loneliness now is better than loneliness in a Godless marriage.

 “Your loneliness now is monumentally better than your loneliness with a man in the house who has no intention of loving and serving you like Christ loved and served the church, no intention of pouring himself out for you and the lives and souls of your children. Jesus is enough. Trust Him when He says that…” –Matt Chandler