The Day I Never Forgot

Name 5 things that you know to be true. There is only one rule….DON’T think too hard about it. GO!

Okay, here are five things that I know to be true :

            1. Everyone smiles in the same language.

2. Harry Potter will always reign supreme over ALL other “teen” books. Always.

3. I AM Belle. Period. End of discussion.  Your arguments against this obvious fact are invalid. 

             4. Blood is thicker than water.

And…this one is important:

 5. God’s grace and love is bigger than the times we fail

…So WHY can we not forgive ourselves?

If you’re anything like me, then you are your toughest critic. I mean, you can really just beat yourself up over stupid things. Oh, and you also may have a freakishly remarkable memory. (This is long, but there’s a point I promise)

Here is an example of both:

            I was in 5th grade and I remember that it was late April. We were hatching eggs in science class and we had about 30 eggs total. I remember that it was beautiful outside and we had a substitute teacher (I remember which one too…every time I see her I think about this day). I had my glasses on, and a headband in my hair. I was wearing a bright blue shirt with jean capris; my sandals were white. 

I remember that we played dodge ball in P.E. and I dominated. (Sorry, I’m competitive so that detail is very important to me…) I remember it was one of the best days of the year, because we actually did not have silent lunch this time and it was pizza day! I remember that after lunch we had Accelerated Reader (AR) Time. I was sitting at a computer taking a quiz on the book I had just finished reading, and I remember that I missed a question on the quiz, so I didn’t get all of the points. My inner nerd was absolutely devastated.

And then it happened…. A boy in my class (who shall remain nameless) looked up and shyly said that he could take a quiz for me. He had read some book about Frogs. It was worth half of a point. I decided to let him take the quiz for me; I mean…what could it hurt? I knew it was wrong, but it seemed harmless. The substitute teacher caught us and sent us to the principle’s office, and thus started one of the longest days of my childhood, Let's call it: The Day Of Waiting; I spent the day waiting to tell the principle what I’d done, waiting to tell my mom, waiting to talk to my dad, waiting to explain to my brother that his sister was a cheater and a failure, and waiting for the day to just be over. I remember sitting there for what felt like an eternity waiting on my turn to talk to the principle. I kept wondering what I was even going to say to him. I felt sick to my stomach, and immediately regretted my choice of pizza for lunch. My cheeks were flush and I felt hot all over. I was so embarrassed (the principle was our deacon at church, so there’s also that). I dreaded going home that day as time just crawled by. Recess felt like it was never going to end. I just sat on the swing staring at my hands. I was so ashamed that I had allowed him to take a quiz for me, especially since I loved to read and had plenty of AR points anyways. I mean, WHAT was I thinking!? I kept thinking to myself: It was only worth half of a point. I gave up all of my hard work that year, my parents trust and love, as well as my integrity for HALF OF A POINT!? I made my parents ashamed of me for…. that? Seriously?

When I got home from school, my mom made me wait for my daddy to get home, so I could to tell them together. My brother sat with me in my room trying to distract me. I could tell he was disappointed in me too… But bless his heart, he tried so hard to make me smile that day. I think he could tell it was eating me up inside. Our house was awkwardly silent. I sat through the quietest dinner that I have ever endured in my entire life that evening.

I remember exactly how the conversation went after dinner. I remember what I said, and I remember what my mom said to me about it. I remember the look of utter disappointment flash across my father’s face. I will never forget the look in my mother's eyes as I recanted the story. It was in that moment that I silently vowed to never compromise my beliefs or honor again. I never wanted to see that look ever again. I accepted my punishment quietly staring at my feet through quiet tears. I never spoke of that day again while I was growing up, but it never left my mind. I remember every detail. 

But you know what else I remember? I remember at the end of that conversation both of my parents took me in their arms. Of course they told me that they were disappointed in me, and that they hoped I would learn from it…(And I did, it was the first and the last time I ever got “written up” in school.) But the part that will always stand out in my mind about this particular conversation was that they both told me that they loved me and that nothing would ever change that. My dad reached down and softly wiped the tears off of my face and told me to start my homework for tomorrow. And while it may seem dumb to still be ashamed of something that I did in the 5^th grade, I’ve never been able to actually let it go.

I believe that if we’re being honest, we all have at least one thing we wish we could have a “do over” for. Honestly, as lame as it sounds, this was one of mine. I mean….there are no words to tell you how much shame I’ve felt over the years, it’s always been in the back of my mind.

My parents never mentioned “the incident” again. In fact, a few weeks later, my parents took me to the Fox Theater to see “Beauty and the Beast” on stage, something that I had wanted to do for a long time. I remember thinking that I didn’t deserve to be there after what I had done… But it is still one of my favorite reminiscences to date. I will always love Beauty and the Beast, and it is partially due to this precious memory.

You know what is actually really cool about this memory that I just shared? A couple of things actually… one being that I don’t tell this story very often, because it’s basically a super dusty skeleton in my closet that I like to keep hidden.  But I think it paints the perfect picture of what we do as children of God. We fail. Daily. Before the end of today, I will fail at least a thousand more times, because I’m not perfect. No one is. But we have a tendency dwell on the areas where we fail. The ironic thing is that the more we dwell on our past failures, the more likely we are to commit the exact same sin again…because we’re obsessing over it. We let our sins and our past define us, and that was never God’s intention. It was never God’s intention for me to always think about one stupid decision that I made in elementary school.

The second cool thing about this memory is the actual reason that I shared it (see, I told you there was a point). A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned this day to my mom and dad. I didn’t tell them the whole story, all I said was, “I will never forget that day in 5^th grade when I cheated on an AR test.” I joked that “5^th grade me” would be so surprised by how I turned out; because I honestly thought I would never go anywhere in life after that. (That seems dramatic, I know, but I was a fifth grader!) That’s when my mom and dad gave me a puzzled look…. Then, to my surprise, my mom looked at me and told me that she didn’t even know what I was talking about.

            …..EXCUSE ME!? WHAT!? They don’t even recall this thing that has been eating at me for the past decade of my life!? Are you kidding me? And that is when I heard God’s gentle and loving voice:

            “Beloved, your past failures do not define you. Stop beating yourself up over them.” Just like my parents have cast that day out of their minds, God cast all of my shortcomings (including this one) far away. They are as far as the East is from the West. That means that I’ve been forgiven for them all…and that the only person that hadn’t forgiven me was myself. I can’t take back my past, it’s contributed to the person that I’ve become! But I can learn from it and continue to grow. We need to stop asking for forgiveness for things that we've already been forgiven for. How small do we think God is?

“He must increase and I must decrease.” John 3:30

           

Wow. Y’all…I’m 21 years old and I am just now beginning to truly wrap my mind around the concept grace. If we go to the Lord in repentance, He will wipe our tears from our eyes, and forgive us. He will then cast them as far as the East is from the West and He never brings them back up again when we inevitably fail again. He will call us beloved, and continue to forgive us every day. He loves us, and “His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on [us].” Don’t let Satan convince you that you are unforgivable. Please don’t let him pervert God’s perfect love and grace like that. Granted, I know my example is from 5^th grade, but I shared it, because it has always been in the back of my head. Because of that, it has always been an easy tool for Satan to use against me. I'm 21 and I'm finally getting around to forgiving 5th grade me. I’ve never felt more free in my entire life. You may think that you are too far from the Lord, because that’s what Satan has led you to believe, but you never are. Don’t let Satan’s twisted lies keep you from returning to the arms of Grace.

           

So: this I know with all of my heart to be true: God is and always will be infinitely bigger than the times we fail. He's already forgiven us if we've asked him with sincere heart of repentance. So, we must forgive ourselves.