I'm Putting Down The Bricks

So for the past few months, I’ve been growing and diving deeper into what it means to truly follow the Lord. Everything that I tend to find myself wrestling with these days always ends up falling back on love.

I’m sure I am not alone in having the tendency to lock up my heart and put on a show. I know that I am not the only person that puts up wall after wall while using excuses to justify them. I tell myself that life is just so busy, I don’t have time to let anyone get close to me and they don’t have time to get close to me either. I tell myself that it’s okay to shut people out, because one time a long time ago someone hurt me. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter if these people don’t know me, I can still love them. I can still care about them. I can still know them. I even try to tell myself that I’m great at loving people. If I’m being honest, love and mercy really are two of my strengths. I tend to love deeply, widely, and fiercely. If I meet someone one time, I may not know their name, but I already care about them…

However, I have come to learn that arms length is a safe and lonely place. I can keep everyone an arms length away, because that seems like a safe distance. I can push people away, but it’s lonely. It’s lonely to care about people while simultaneously pushing them and trying to keep them away from my brokenness. I keep putting up these walls, because I don’t want anyone else to know that I am broken, that I don’t have all of the answers, and that I don’t have my life as put together as I have led them to believe.

These walls that I keep putting up are just excuses, because I am afraid. I’m worried that if I let others get to know the real me that they won’t like what they see. They will learn how ugly and nasty I really am. They will be able to see my weaknesses. I have worried that some people could even exploit my weaknesses. I mean, to love is to be vulnerable, so it is completely terrifying to choose to love someone. It is even more terrifying to choose to love someone who has already hurt me. While it is scary to put myself out there, I have learned that it is infinitely more dangerous to listen to fear and shut people out. My heart is afraid. I am terrified. But I have to choose to be brave. I have to swallow my pride.

…..I have to choose to put down the bricks and stop building walls.

I have to take a deep breath and choose to love. My prayer for myself has turned into asking God to keep my heart tender in this harsh and tough world. I’m so tired of running from the reason that God sent His son. I want to love people well, whether those around me think that they deserve it or not, because the reality is that I don’t deserve to be loved to begin with.

We all know that God sent His son, because He loved us. He loved me. Love is the reason for His great sacrifice, but why is it so difficult to put down the bricks and the mortar and actually let someone in? Why is it so difficult for us to love people and allow them to love us back? God has loved me even though I continue to not only turn my back on Him, but run away as well. Still, the craziest thing about God’s love is that He loves me even though He already knows that I am going to turn my back on Him. He already knows that I am going to wander. He already knows what sins I am going to struggle with today, tomorrow, ten years from now,  and for the rest of my life. Nothing catches Him by surprise, and yet He still chooses to love me.

With that realization comes the HUGE slap in the face. We are all only human. I mean, we do a great job at pretending like we are saints that have everything all figured out, but if we’re honest…I think we all would realize that we are all struggling. We all struggle to live a life taking up our cross and following Jesus. I struggle all of the time. I tend to be pretty transparent on here about my struggles, because I know that I am not alone. I know that if I am honest, and I stop trying to make up excuses trying to hide that I’m only human and that I need the Lord’s grace, mercy, and love, that maybe I will say the words that someone needs to hear. Maybe someone else will see that if the Lord loves a sinner like me, then He most definitely loves him or her. The slap in the face for me is that while I pride myself on being a loving person, I am not. I have a hard time being honest and letting people into my heart. I have a hard time being vulnerable. I have a hard time believing that people could actually love me. So, I don’t give them a chance to. I give them this illusion that they know me well. I let them know just enough to make them believe that they know me inside and out, when in reality they know very little. This is because I know that there is a very real possibility that they will hurt me at some point whether they mean to or not, because love is painful. God loves me despite the fact that I turn my back on Him every single day. He loves me even though I have sinned, I will sin, and I will continue to sin against Him, and I can’t bring myself to love someone who hasn’t even hurt me yet? Come on, Mags!! REALLY!? I have received much grace, so I should be one of the first people to extend great grace and love. I am called to love. I need to love.

God has been challenging me to go deeper. He has started to move in my heart and open me up to being more honest and vulnerable and loving then I ever have before. Because the reality is that I cannot love others to the extent that I am called to without letting people know me. And I certainly cannot love people to the extent that I am called without the gospel.

Anyways, I said all of that to say this:

I’m choosing to reach out. I’m choosing to lay down all of the fear that I’ve been hiding. I’m choosing to be vulnerable. I am choosing to be brave.

I am choosing to love that person that hurt me more than anyone ever has.

I am choosing to love the stranger that I met in Target.
I am choosing to love my friends more deeply and genuinely.

I am choosing to love my coworkers, and my student’s parents.
I am choosing to love those that society deems unworthy and unlovable. 

I am choosing to love my neighbor, and my roommate.

I am choosing to love people that I’ve never met in nations that I’ve never been.

I am choosing to trust. (Woah. That’s a big one for me)

I am choosing to love.

I am choosing to put down the bricks and the mortar, and begin tearing down my walls.

Maybe it’ll hurt.

Maybe I’ll cry.

Maybe I’ll lose everything.

But I am diving in and putting it all out there.

I choose LOVE.

I hope you do, too.